Shalom, Eastern Conference Finalists! I’m an Optimist, sowing the seeds of love from that proud garrison of gaucherie known as Cleveland, Ohio, America.
How does it feel to finally be back?
This is where the rubber meets the road, y’uns! Eight wins and two teams from two countries stand betwixt us and a night in late June making out with the bulbous golden dome of the Larry O’Brien Trophy.
Friends, what you’ve done with your collective loins over the last eight days is none of my business. But it’s time to gird ‘em up now.
On Sunday, Toronto eliminated the Heat in convincing fashion, smushing Miami to the tune of 27 points in the deciding Game 7. That’s what they get for shooting warmup buckets during “O Canada!” – which is a lovely national anthem.
The Raptors’ reward for reaching the East Finals for the first time in franchise history? A date with the hottest squad in the 2016 Playoffs.
While Toronto has played the maximum – enduring two seven-game series, with three overtime games in their Second Round matchup against Miami alone – our beloved Cavaliers have barely gotten their uniforms dirty.
The Cavs wiped out Stan Van’s feisty Pistons in four games and put on a record-setting show from long-range in their sweep of the Hawks. No team in NBA history posted a two-game shooting span from beyond the arc like Cleveland in Games 2 and 3 against Atlanta.
Kyrie Irving has been outstanding since the final week of the regular season, Kevin Love has doubled-up in all eight victories and TheBron is purely a postseason maestro. Tristan Thompson has owned the offensive glass, J.R. Smith is excelling on both ends, the bench has been equal parts productive and stingy and Tyronn Lue has executed an almost flawless Playoff gameplan.
Up to this point, the Cavaliers have vanquished a pair of foes they’ve owned over the past few postseason runs – topping both the Pistons and Hawks on 12 straight occasions, tying an NBA record.
But they’ve never faced the Raptors in the Playoffs, let alone the Conference Finals. And it feels a little weird.
Had the Cavaliers faced off against the Heat, I think I speak for all of us when I say our respective Angry-o-Meters™ would be overheating regularly over the course against that particular four-game sweep. But the Raptors?
From our end, we have no real history, no animosity.
Granted, the matchup dates back to the 1946-47 season, when the Raptors were the Toronto Huskies and the Cavaliers were the Cleveland Rebels.
That year – (the Huskies’ lone season in the NBA) – Toronto was led by high-flyers like Ed Sadowski, Kleggie Hemsen and rookie Wimpy Quinn and helmed by a head coach with the coolest name this side of “DeMar DeRozan” – the great Red Rolfe.
In their inaugural game – the Huskies granted free admission to any hoser who was taller than their tallest player, 6-8 George Nostrand. And they once gave away nylons to their fans (presumably female) before a home game against the Knicks. Despite these shenanigans, the Cleveland Rebel Motorcycle Club heeled the Huskies habitually, sweeping the season series, 3-0.
To Northeast Ohioans, who would go on to enjoy even greater success – like the Tribe’s 1948 World Series win and the Browns’ NFL Championships in 1950, ’54, ’55 and ’64 – this fleeting dominance barely registered.
Basketball fans in Toronto, however, never forgot. And while we’ve been growing fat and happy collecting titles down here in Cleveland, they’ve been methodically plotting their revenge.
But if Toronto and the Raptors and Drake think that the Cavaliers are ripe for the picking, they haven’t watched game-film of Grit Squad 2.0’s dismantling Detroit and Atlanta. And they definitely didn’t watch TheBron’s interview on Sunday evening at Cleveland Clinic Courts.
He was a little terse and even a bit surly – which is ideal heading into the biggest series of the season.
Which brings us, of course, to our postseason Angry-o-Meter readings, which have quite frankly concerned me through the first two rounds.
Through no fault of his own, the Hawks never got under TheBron’s skin. The most physical play against him in the series came late in Game 3 when Jeff Teague hip-checked him into the stands under the basket. Even that only got him to a 3.2 – not much angrier than he’d get if he just washed his Kia and it rained.
Even though Canadians are notoriously polite, the four-time MVP has a history of tormenting their squad if someone gets his Irish up.
Unlike the Tobias Harris/Chill-Mode Incident we covered in our last installment, this practical example dates back to January 6, 2008 – when Chris Bosh’s cousin and girlfriend, seated courtside together, began teasing the King, who was 6-for-19 from the floor at the time.
The Cavaliers – underachieving at 16-17 following the previous season’s trip to the Finals– went into the fourth period trailing, 70-57. And the girls amped it up.
It was cute for a minute, but at some point TheBron went from a 3.7 to a 5.9 to a 7.6 and it was a sight to behold – erupting for 24 fourth-quarter points (one more than Bosh had in the game) and leading Cleveland to the 93-90 win.
Numeral 23 finished with 39 points, 11 boards and eight assists and the Wine and Gold won six of their next seven.
We’ve already seen that TheBron’s in All-Business mode – starting out at an even 3.0. At some point in Games 3 or 4 back in Toronto, however, the toxic cocktail of fans, foes and referees will have him at the tipping point – demarcated by a 6.0 (see below).
Because the Raptors have never faced him in the postseason, by the midpoint in the series, someone’s likely to say something in the media that TheBron would normally pay no mind to, but will be force-fed said quote by the same group of reporters.
This will elevate him to a vesuvian 8.4 – well-beyond Gunnery Sergeant Hartman and slightly past furious former middleweight champion Jake LaMotta – and elevate the Wine and Gold to their third trip to the NBA Finals.
Because Kevin Love’s Angry-o-Meter received such interest in the last column, we decided to take some readings in the Eastern Conference Finals.
The 5.0 reading is essentially the George Costanza Zone, in which not only is one getting upset, one is referring to oneself in third person to inform everyone. If at any point the Raptors hear Kevin Love muttering something like “Kevin’s getting p*ssed!!!” it’s time to temporarily call off the dogs – whether he’s flashing ‘Blue Steel’ or not.
(Canadians, all of whom are huge hockey fans, will take note that although Love’s exterior looks cool and collected, he's actually closer to the simmering rage of Ogie Ogilthorpe – who they certainly recall suffered a very trying rookie season, what with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country's refusal to accept him.)
And again, we want to stay away from the Incredible Hulk numbers around 11.
I know it’s the Eastern Conference Finals. But it’s only Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, and we can’t have anyone going there just yet. The last thing we need is for TheBron or Kevin waking up the next day, all dazed and confused in a field somewhere, purple pants all torn up and clueless about the previous night’s swath of destruction.
We still have a ways to go. So let’s take this thing one game at a time -- capish?
I apologize to little Jeff “Schaef” Schaefer that we didn’t get to any of our educational elements in today’s column.
I checked and nothing good ever happened On This Date in History, anyway. There were a couple decent Birthdays, like Danny Trejo, former Clevelander Debra Winger, flamboyant pianist Liberace, off-brand Bond Pierce Brosnan and the still-foxy Janet Jackson.
I did notice an important celebrity, however, who Died On This Day and (you folks better hope) is Still Dead.
It’s not Elliot Ness. And it’s certainly not Jim Henson or the legendary Sammy Davis, Jr.
No, it’s the one-and-only Bodacious – formerly known the “world’s most dangerous bull.”
In 1995, Bodacious retired in his prime after breaking every major bone in PBR world champion Tuff Hedeman’s face and doing the same to another rider, Scott Breding, months later, crushing the cowpoke’s hockey helmet and bursting both his eye sockets. Bodacious, who passed away in 2000, was inducted into the ProRodeo Hall of Fame and is known as "the greatest bull to ever buck” – which is kinda how most of us would like to be remembered, isn’t it?
That’s the image I wanted to leave you with as we lock and load for the Eastern Conference Finals: a livid, uncontrollable 1,800-pound rampaging bovine that’s ready to demolish anything in its sight.
That’s us, Cavalier fans.
We’ve come too far to turn back now. And we have to be ready to stomp out anything that gets in our way.
So either get on board Bodacious or get in the barrel with the rodeo clowns. But this thing is going down on Tuesday night.
And it’s time again to …
Keep the faith, Cleveland
Your pal,
The Optimist