Aloha, Cavalier fans! I’m an Optimist – checking in from #TheLand, where we once had a mayor light his own hair on fire. If that don’t tell folks not to fool with us, I don’t know what does.
But I’ll bet the Atlanta Hawks intend to here in the Second Round of the NBA Playoffs.
The Cavaliers have never lost to the Hawks in the postseason – brushing them aside in four straight games back in the 2009 Conference Semis and again in last year’s Eastern Conference Finals. During the 2015-16 regular season, Cleveland beat Atlanta in all three meetings, including twice in the campaign’s final fortnight.
Like my first column of the postseason – An Open Letter to TheBron – we’re going to do things a little differently again today.
You’re going to need some mathematic aptitude along with some knowledge of quantum mechanics and at least a rudimentary understanding of cardiovascular hypertension.
I hope everyone’s cool with that.
And I think with all that educational content, we can blow off all that other historical crap that fuzzy little PR Jedi Jeff “Schaef” Schaefer covets so dearly.
That means we won’t be concerning ourselves with what happened Today in History – even though it’s the fifth anniversary of Osama bin Laden ... well, if you don’t know, you can find out on Netflix. Simply search for Zero Dark Thirty. We’re also not pausing to celebrate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s 44th birthday or to reflect on the fact that J. Edgar Hoover Died On This Day and, to my knowledge, is Still quite Dead.
Instead, we’ll start out with a little something known as “gravity” – a natural phenomenon in which all things with mass or energy are naturally drawn to one another.
So how does gravity apply to the NBA Playoffs?
It does so through something I call the “Gravitational Pull of the Postseason” – and it’s as powerful as any black hole that Neil deGrasse Tyson can whip up.
It’s that moment in a game or a series when the sweet, seductive siren’s song of the offseason beckons a team into its welcoming bosom. And after a grueling 82-game regular season and a four-game beat-down at the hands of a superior opponent, the offseason’s allure appears like a mighty mirage – calling one to the white sands and warm waters of Huvafen Fushi.
All 16 Playoff teams – with the exception of one – will feel, and eventually succumb to, the Gravitational Pull of the Postseason.
Even last year’s Cavaliers, whose heroic run put them two wins away from a Championship, fell into its cruel orbit late in Game 6 of the 2015 NBA Finals – despite J.R. Smith scoring nine points in the final 1:14.
Now that the First Round has come to an end around the Association, you saw victims fall one after another --- some surrendering more easily than others. To the Pistons’ credit – even for a four-game sweep victim – they resisted mightily. Other squads (they know who they are) were practically doing cannonballs into the Pull.
Our beloved Cavaliers are a long, long way from dealing with the G.P.P. But as a 13-year vet with no Rings in six previous trips to the Playoffs, I can tell you that it can sneak up on a team – even a heavily-favored one – before they know what hit ‘em.
But you heard TheBron and Coach Lue at last Friday’s practice at Cleveland Clinic Courts. There’s absolutely no way that they’re going to take the Hawks lightly heading into the seven-game set. It’ll be All Business for the reigning Beast of the East.
OK, here’s where things start to get all mathematical and scientifical.
As I alluded to in my Open Letter to TheBron, my paisan Joe Caione and I now have the Angry-o-Meter™ up and running. The kid’s been under the hood for the last week-and-change getting it operational – and I’m going to take measurements on it today.
To wit: I have always theorized that TheBron plays best when angry. He’s admitted as much.
And I like to measure how angry the four-time MVP, future Hall of Famer and all-around good guy becomes when an opponent gets his Irish up in the postseason. Invariably, someone’s going to cheese him off during a seven-game series – whether it’s a fan waving that famous weeping Fathead™ or an opposing rookie claiming that he’s “in his head.”
Against the Hawks, at least 25-30 percent of Philips Arena will be cheering for him – even in the Playoffs. So, as you can see, (below), TheBron will probably start the series out at around a 3.05.
(Also, you’ll notice that, for scale, I’ve included other angry figures in the A.o.M. I believe early in the series, he’ll be slightly less angry than Moe of the Three Stooges, for example, who hovers at a 3.6 – still a good teammate, but willing to open-hand slap a fool or pull their hair out in a clump or jam a pair of pliers up their nose.)
TheBron at a straight-6.00 is a pivotal mark on the Angry-o-Meter.
Once he gets above 5.75 – which is very clearly a “WARNING” moment – we’re well past the point of no return. Usually that occurs when a younger player takes his bravado off the floor and into the media. (Older players, especially in the Eastern Conference, know that this is a strict no-no.)
For practical purposes, here’s a recent, real life example of how the A.o.M. works: It’s not a postseason contest, but it does go back to the famous “Chill-Mode” game of late last December.
After dropping the Christmas Day game in TheBron’s return to Miami, the Magic had the Cavaliers down with 5:27 remaining in the third quarter the next night in Orlando.
That’s when then-Magic forward Tobias Harris and Cleveland’s franchise star got tangled up, exchanged words (including one that TheBron hates) and each picked up technical fouls.
TheBron – who quickly went from a 3.1 (chill-mode) to an 8.3 (volcanic) – immediately scored on a demonstrative and-1, held Harris to two points the rest of the way and scored 15 of his game-high 29 points in the fourth quarter.
In a Playoff series, it’s much worse. If an opponent wants to poke the bear, he’s likely to get the DiCaprio treatment in return.
Because it’s the Hawks and not the Celtics, I think he’ll peak out around 7.35 in the series: simmering to a slow boil, but still saving some of that sweet vitriol for the Conference Finals and beyond.
(The “11” rating is reserved, as you can see, for Incredible Hulk-level anger. We don’t want to go there anytime soon. Those who’ve lived to tell about Numeral 23 operating at an “11” recall the deafening sounds of an approaching locomotive, then …. nothing.)
Also, I haven’t forgot about other Cavaliers – and we’ll discuss them as the Second Round series and Playoffs proceed.
As you can see, I’ve charted Kevin Love’s Angry-o-Meter readings throughout the series against Atlanta – or, actually, against anyone.
Unlike TheBron, Kevin Love is not an expressive sort. Even at King Leonidas-levels of rage, Love simply flashes “Blue Steel” and does his thing – whether he’s pulling down 16 boards or draining back-to-back triples or droppin’ dimes, droppin’ dimes.
Kevin Love is West Coast cool.
(And that’s certainly not to say that K-Love is not intense – because he most certainly is. But Joe C. and I would have to order all kinds of fakakta parts from Germany to convert this thing into an “Intense-o-Meter.” Gimme a break.)
At some point during the series, maybe we’ll fire up the Angry-o-Meter on some other players – perhaps even to see where Dennis Schroeder’s measuring in after a couple games against Matthew Dellavedova.
But we’ll see where we stand after the ball tips off on Monday night.
As for you folks, I don’t need you any angrier than you already are. Leave that to the professionals.
If you’re heading down to The Q tonight and having some tasty adult beverages when you get here (or somewhere else after you leave), please remember to call a taxi or text a nice Uber. Tuesday Morning You will thank Monday Night You – I promise.
That’s all for now.
Round Two is next, y’uns!! Let’s kick out the jams and …
Keep the faith, Cleveland
Your pal,
The Optimist