Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea! It’s Friday. The Cavaliers are back in the gym. And I’m the Optimist – welcoming you high-rollers to the opulent sports smorgasbord the locals like to call “NEWS … AROUND … THE … LEAGUE.”
There is SO very, very much going on in the world of sports and beyond. We’re going to move quickly in today’s column. As quickly as the events that I’m covering will soon unfold. Please hold on to your valuables. This column is not responsible for broken or lost items. Slow-pokes will be left behind.
Because I intend to move so quickly, I’m boiling each item – Cavaliers Training Camp, Browns v. Giants, Birthdays, Current Events, etc. into two paragraphs, tops.
When I used to work at NBA Headquarters in New York, my old boss told me: Never write long paragraphs on the World Wide Web. He said readers in the “Internet age” had short attention spans and tune out if they see long, thick paragraphs.
Personally, I think my old NBA boss can shove it. I think his assessment is an insult to you meatheads’ intelligence.
Go ahead and shop around for a while and we’ll come back for you at the end of the column.
Those of you with the loins enough to stick around for our little experiment, gird up for a thick, rich version of News … Around … The … League.
Birthdays – By the time you read this, it could be Saturday or Sunday or even Monday. By then, these celebrity’s birthdays will be irrelevant and another crop of celebrities will be celebrating instead. That’s why we’re going to line up the following celebrities for immediate spankings: Boomtown Rat, Bob Geldof; king of comedy, Bernie Mac; Oscar-winning actress, Kate Winslet; Guinean soccer star, Bobo Balde; gridiron great, Barry Switzer; smoker, toker and midnight joker, Steve Miller. (Kate Winslet is welcome to line up for seconds.)
Current Events – I checked, and Today-in-History sucks. A lot of bad things happened on October 5 – serious bad things, like earthquakes and floods; not funny bad things, like dirigibles exploding. And besides, this week we actually have some huge LOCAL current events. You offseason readers were probably thinking: “Hey, Optimist. How come every other city in America has a black Angus cow going berserk in the middle of town or some redneck stoner crushing cop cars? How come none of that good stuff ever happens in Cleveland?!”
The Boys Are Back in Town – There were, in fact, several other important developments in Cleveland this week, the most critical being the tip-off of 2012-13 Cleveland Cavaliers Training Camp. Media Day was Monday and the fellas were decked out in their sweet new home golds. After yukking it up with the media on Monday, Coach Scott inserted his wingtip into their collective behind on Tuesday morning and Tuesday night and Wednesday morning and Wednesday night. Puking was acceptable; almost encouraged.
It’s good to be back.
Well, what did you guys think?
Was it too tough – the long paragraphs, no coming up for air?
TOO BAD!!
Like Coach Scott with his Kid Cavaliers, I’ve got to toughen you nerds up for the 82-game grind.
For those of you who just got back from Arngren.net –where perhaps you purchased a forbruker elektronikk or a fiskebaat – welcome back to the end of the column.
To recap: Larry Fine of the Three Stooges would’ve celebrated his 110th birthday today had he lived through Moe’s savage beatings. Chicken coops may soon be mandatory in the city of Brooklyn. The Cavaliers began Training Camp and will host the Wine and Gold Scrimmage on Saturday and Montepaschi Siena of the Euroleague on Monday. On Tuesday, the Cavs face the Milwaukee Bucks at the Canton Memorial Civic Center. The Bucks are just from the regular NBA. The Browns will win because they’ll involve Josh Cribbs in the offense and, finally, I’m cheesed off – as I am each fall – that baseball playoffs is so stupid.
Either way, I’ll be here for you.
Go in peace and remember to treat your elders with respect, designate a driver or call a cab if you need one, always double-down on 11 and, above all …
Keep the faith, Cleveland
Peace, Love, Understanding The Optimist