THE SIXTH ANNUAL OPTIMIST AWARDS BANQUET

Hello? Can you guys hear me in the back?

Before you start on your rigatoni and fried chicken, check this out …

Hey The Optimist,

You might remember me as the smoothly-coiffed, playoff Mohawk guy from three years ago. Since then I've become a clichéd “young professional” and sport a buzz-cut with the playoff beard, natch.

Anyway, I was wondering when you were going to put on the Annual Optimist Awards Banquet? It's always one of your best columns of the year and a must-read for any Cavs fan.

That's all I wanted to know. Keep it trill, and go Cavs!

Jordan
Arlington, VA

Jordan from Arlington – you are truly in luck, my friend. Because today, I’d like to welcome you and your fellow readers to the Sixth – yes, Sixth! – Annual OPTIMIST AWARDS BANQUET.

I am this “The Optimist” that you speak of, and I’ll be today’s host. For those of you who brought children – you might want to get the little ones home before the 10:30 show. I work a little blue.

After demolishing the Detroit Pistons in four dominant victories, the Cavaliers find themselves with a week off before embarking on the Second Round of the postseason. So I figured now would be a perfect time to hand out some hardware. (As you know, Banquet voting closes after the regular season concludes.)

After Coach Mike Brown rightfully locked up Coach of the Year honors, the NBA gave out some jive-job awards that Cavaliers didn’t win – like Defensive Player of the Year or Sixth Man or something.

The real trophies are coming in the next few days and weeks. TheBron will officially be recognized as Planet Earth’s best basketballer in about a week, and ‘round mid-June, he and his mates will be making out with the Larry O’Brien Trophy’s spherical melon.

Before we get to those honors, sit back and enjoy the Awards Banquet. The cash bar will open after dinner, but unfortunately, this year the chocolate fountain will be closed due to budget constraints.

Help yourself to the refreshments and – as always – please, NO gang colors.

First Annual | Second Annual | Third Annual | Fourth Annual |Fifth Annual Awards Banquet

Look, I know it seems fishy that each and every year for the past six years, the entire All-Optimist First Team is completely loaded with Cavaliers. But I’ve counted and re-counted the votes and it comes up Wine and Gold every time. Here’s the hard truth: Cleveland didn’t win 66 games by trotting a bunch of All-Optimist Second-Teamers out there.

Notable omissions from this year’s strong crop include Von Wafer, Chris Mihms, Thaddeus Young, Sasha Pavlovic, Sasha Vujacic, Zaza Pachulia, Zarko Cabarkapa, Greg Oden, Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Luc Mbah a Moute, Didier Ilunga-Mbenga, Bobby Jackson, Eduardo Najera, Kyrylo Fesenko, Yakhouba Diawara, Danilo Gallinari, Marco Belinelli, Jason Kapono, Kosta Koufos, the AK-47, Shaq Diesel, Luther Head, Mark Blount, Quincy Douby, Hamed Haddadi, J-Smoove, Donyell Marshall and, as always, Joel Przybilla, the Vanilla Gorilla.

Like the 2008-09 Second Team, this year’s All-Nemesis Team has two starters from the same NBA squad. First-time entrant, Kevin Garnett, joins this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award winner – the irrepressible Paul Pierce – who once spit at little Luke Jackson and also dropped 41 points on the Cavaliers in Game 7 last year in Boston. As I say every year, these men have done me no personal harm (yet). They just make life unpleasant for the Cavaliers, which hurts my feelings. Notable omissions from this year’s squad include Tyronn Lue, Kobe Bryant, Mo Williams, Joakim Noah, and, of course, Rick Davis.

As it is every year, voting for the coveted Edgar Jones Seventh Man Award was tighter than a frog’s hoo-ha. This award – named after the tenacious, toothless Cavalier forward – goes to the reserve who simultaneously stimulates the Quicken Loans Arena crowd and concurrently contributes to the Cavaliers’ cause. Any of the following bench players could have taken the trophy. Wally was tough as nails all season and led the Eastern Conference in high-fives. Boobie Gibson is heating up when it counts. Joe Smith has been an absolute godsend once again. And Splasha Pavlovic canned some big shots off the bench, exspecially on the road.

But the award goes to Big Ben Wallace, because everyone’s afraid to tell him the Banquet’s almost over and he might not leave with a trophy.

And also because, even at 34, the four-time Defensive Player of the Year can still smother three positions defensively and gives the Cavaliers the baddest dude on the floor every night.

Professor Chewy is a friend and confidante. He is a contemporary. He was formerly Quality Control here at cavs.com. He is also a self-professed Bald.

Professor Chewy wears this sign of virility with great pride. And he has been compiling a list of his contemporaries for several years, and always selects a deserving Cavalier. I always like to share the list – whether you, yourself, are a Bald or not.

The rules are simple: No Rugs, No Plugs and No Drugs. (Chewy finds self-hating Balds like Jeremy Piven reprehensible.) This year's notable omissions include Ed Harris, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Sean Connery, Samuel L. Jackson, James Taylor, Len Komoroski, Lou Gossett, Jr., Hector Elizondo, Andre Agassi, Alan Arkin, Sir Ben Kingsley, Sir Jeff Phelps, John Malkovich, George Karl, James Carville, Jason Alexander, Michael Jordan, Woody Harrelson, Fred Biletnikoff, Stanley Tucci, Kimbo Slice, "Hey Now!" Hank Kingsley, Ghandi and Bill Kreutzmann, the drummer for the Grateful Dead.

Isn’t it enough that Cleveland itself is a virtual Paradise on Earth? Must the city of Akron also be a Garden of Earthly Delights?

Apparently so, because look at the bounty of goodness which currently exists some 40 miles southeast of C-town. And, I remind you, this is just Akron’s contribution. The Banquet didn’t rent the hall long enough to capture the entire UCLA (Upper Canton Lower Akron) region.

This year, the voting was tough after we got past the Top 2 – led by TheBron and uber-scribe, Brian Windhorst. I love competitive eating champion, Coondog O’Karma, exspecially because I know he reads the column. But what about pro football’s Antoine Winfield and Beanie Wells or former Playmate of the Year and “Barker’s Beauty,” Heather Kozar or acclaimed director Jim Jarmusch? And don’t even get me started on U. of Akron's marsupial mascot, Zippy.

The Pretenders’ Chrissie Hynde made her triumphant return, leapfrogged the Blimp – which is no easy task – and landed at No. 3. The ultra-foxy Angie Everhart also returned to the mix. Not just because she was once engaged to Joe Pesci and is great on the Howard Stern Show, but because the list needed a little eye-candy besides Brian.