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Your 2017 Thanksgiving Hypothetical Play By Play

by Kyle Ratke, Digital Content Manager

Digital Content Manager


First off, I know that none of these players in the picture above play for the Timberwolves right now. But this picture makes me happy. It’s the Wolves serving a Thanksgiving dinner to Veterans back in 2009. It’s Corey Brewer, who has never been seen not smiling, along with a very-different looking Kevin Love.

Thanksgiving should make you happy and extremely grateful. Much like how this picture makes me feel.

Thanksgiving should also make you feel full and force you to consider going on the elliptical before, during and after the meal. Or maybe next year, you’ll just start with the sweatpants instead of transitioning to them after the second plate.

Last year, we put together our Thanksgiving Power Rankings. This year, we are going to give you a hypothetical play-by-play of Thanksgiving. Does this have anything to do with basketball? The answer is no. But no NBA basketball is played on Thanksgiving, so we figured we could get away with it.

Editor’s Note: Kyle has not approved this. 

Wednesday, 9:30 p.m. 

Thanksgiving is almost here. But first, you had to watch the Wolves beat the Magic at Target Center before going out with your buddies to the local watering hole.

You talk about the Wolves and their crazy offseason. You talk about how you don’t recognize anyone anymore and thank goodness for the free popcorn that is always too salty.

After talking to everyone for the first two hours, you think to yourself, “why don’t I talk to my old high school classmates more?! I love these guys!”

Two hours later, an old friend’s card gets declined and you pick up the tab. Another one is wearing a shirt that says Random High School Class of 2008, XXL.

You realize why you don’t talk to your old high school classmates more.

Thursday, 8:27 a.m. 

You wake up on your couch because four years ago your sister took your room and now when you visit, you get the couch. Such is life.

You think about getting a workout in before eating all the food. But then think, nah, I’m good.

You would later regret this decision.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is on and for three hours, everyone pretends that giant floats of Pikachu don’t freak them out.

Thursday, 11:32 a.m. 

You’re disappointed there’s no NBA games on, but then you’re happy because you remember that the players get a day off to be with their families and you have Christmas to look forward to, especially with the Wolves traveling to play the Lakers.

The Vikings play at 11:30 and you missed your chance to update your fantasy football lineup (more on this later) because on a short week when the players are already sore and vulnerable, why not make it 30 minutes shorter?!

Dinner is set for 1 p.m. but your aunt and uncle will definitely be late.

Thursday, 1:01 p.m.

They are late. 

But even if they came on time, you can’t immediately eat dinner, because I don’t know. Those are the rules. You have to sit around and have awkward conversations with your family members for the next 45 minutes.

Some of the more popular topics:

How’s work? (normal)

How much money do you make? (ehhhh)

When are you having kids? (wait, what?)

You look like you lost weight . . . (why thank you!)

But maybe too much weight . . . (oh, let me eat more crackers and cheese)

Uncle's rant about his fantasy football team that never lasts fewer than three minutes.

Politics (dear goodness. SOMEONE GET THE FOOD!)

Thursday, 1:45 p.m. 

It’s time to feast. Finally!

How should you eat your Thanksgiving Day meal?

Stuffing is the most important piece of all of this. If you must sacrifice everything else for stuffing, do it. Sometimes you have to do a little evil for the greater good.

Mashed potatoes should be a staple, but be careful. The taters tend to fill you up in a hurry, especially if you’re eating potatoes that contain 387 calories per bite, which I believe is mandatory in my family.

Next, you can go a variety of directions. The obvious is turkey and/or ham, but I’ve never been a huge meat guy, so this is where I tend to go off-script from the traditional meal and load up on bread.

Oh, there’s some extra space on your plate?


And for the love of pumpkin pie, don’t touch the cranberries.

Thursday, 3:15 p.m. 

The last 80 minutes have been a blur. You woke up on the couch and it feels like there’s a good chance you’ve gain at least 18 pounds.

Thursday, 7:39 p.m.

After more awkward talks, football watching and light snacking, you realize how lucky you are to be around those you love. And while it’s not always perfect, it’s friends and family that make things great. So, cherish it.

This is also the time when people have decided leftovers are acceptable to eat. You didn’t want to be the first one, so this excites you.

Unfortunately, the only thing left is dry turkey, cranberries and some sort of hot dish that might be five weeks old that’s in the fridge. Nobody can confirm or deny whether it’s actually from Thanksgiving.

Enjoy your day, everyone. If you’re lucky enough to celebrate with family and/or friends, do it. Life is short. Eat plenty of stuffing.