A regular column written by the Rockets Bear himself
June 4, 2003
Well, the end of an era has come to pass. One of the best NBA coaches ever and the nicest guy you'll ever meet decided to step down from his post as head coach of the Houston Rockets. As Rudy Tomjanovich himself put it in his tear-jerking press conference, "I'm going to spend some time being a solider instead of a general."
Although he will remain with the team as a consultant, I will miss seeing him at the helm. My favorite thing about Coach, besides his two beautiful daughters, was that he didn't want me fired after I accidentally shot one of his best players, Cuttino Mobley, in the chest with my T-shirt cannon during a time-out. Putting a coach's player on the injured list with a rolled up T-shirt being fired from a cannon at 1,100 PSI from close range would be enough for most coaches to recommend life imprisonment for their mascot, let alone a pink slip.
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As John Cleese from Monty Python said, "Always Look On the Bright Side of Life!" With that in mind, since we last spoke something great happened. I got my IRS refund in the mail. Thoughout the year I have the nice people with the Internal Revenue Service hold back more honey than they need to just so I can get a nice payback every year by the beginning of May.
By the way, why do people who work for the government pay taxes? Why don't they just make less money?
Upon receiving my shipment of honey, I immediately went out and blew all of it and then some on concert tickets for a multitude of shows coming to Houston this summer. Check it out, if you want to ROCK like me you should have gone or be going to the following shows:
| Bob Dylan | April 23 | I can't understand a word, but love him anyway |
| James Taylor | May 18 | Classic tunes from a stud according to women 40 - 60 years old |
| Def Leppard | May 31 | GLAM ROCK RULES! |
| Journey, Styx, REO, Survivor, Fab. Thunderbirds | June 7 | So what if they played the county fair in Odessa last week |
| Peter Gabriel | June 12 | Wasn't the cop show "Sledgehammer" a great show? |
| Red Hot Chili Peppers and Snoop Dog | June 14 | Now that's a combo |
| The Eagles | June 16 | Desperado is one of the best songs ever! |
| Dave Matthews Band | July 16 | I crash into stuff all the time. It might as well be Dave. |
| Counting Crows and John Mayer | July 25 | I can't wait for this one |
| Dixie Chicks | July 30 | Forget politics and listen to the jams |
| Neil Young | Aug. 6 | Never gets old to me! |
| Blue Man Group | Aug. 17 | Blue mascots |
| Aerosmith and KISS | Oct. 5 | Those dudes look like ladies |
The rest of my summer will be spent going to Comets games to watch my girlfriend, Haley, in action. If you have not had the opportunity to catch one yet, you really are missing a great time. The fans are like a cult. The home court advantage is one of the strongest in professional sports and the players really know how to put on a show. Look for Haley's red rally towel, her letter stomp, her nose ring-toss game, and the occasional accident with a cake delivery.
Recently someone asked me who I like to be entertained by and which performers have influenced my career. I gave it some thought and came up with a Top 10 list. These are my favorite entertainers and performers who have also influenced me professionally. This list might help explain things about the nonsense that takes place at the games.
10. The Philly Phanatic
9. Adam Sandler
8. Howard Stern
7. Turbo (Turbo, please don't get your feeling hurt that you're only No. 7. You work out too much to be my No. 1 influence.)
6. William Katt (the guy from "The Greatest American Hero," circa 1981 - what a show!)
5. Andy Kaufman
4. Johnny Knoxville
3. Winnie the Pooh
2. Will Ferrell
1. Larry David (If you don't know him, you're not cool!)
Until next time. Be Part of Something BIG!
P.S. Did you know that recording artist Nelly was a former mascot and that he wrote the song "Hot In Herre" as a anthem for costumed characters?
