Hey, hey the gang's all here! Glad you stopped by to catch up with me. It has been such a long time since we've last talked. Well, actually we're not talking. I'm just practicing a little one-way dialog and I thank you for listening - I mean reading. It just feels better to pretend like it is a conversation when I write to all of you. Besides, you can all reply by e-mailing me.

Since the last Me Speaks, (Clutch Speaks - "the thing you're reading right now") I've been on a whirlwind tour across the country performing at one NBA mascot birthday party after the other. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to make it to one of my birthday parties and don't know what I'm talking about, a mascot birthday party is when a mascot celebrates his theoretical, I mean "real" birthday at one of his home games.

Is that last sentence a run-on sentence? Oh well, who cares, I claim artistic license if it is. I see some of my favorite writers, like James Patterson, end sentences in prepositions all the time. My fifth-grade English teacher, Mr. Peyton, said you could never do that or you would lose points on your grade. What's up now, Mr. Peyton? I don't see James Patterson losing any "points" or book sales because he used a preposition to end something with.

Anyway, back to mascot birthdays. The birthday mascot usually plays host to about six to 10 other mascots from around the NBA that he has flown in to celebrate his special day at a home game. For any of you thinking ahead or paying close attention to the past, the day I was born has mysteriously been remembered as happening on a different day from year to year. Oddly enough, the Rockets always seem to have a home game scheduled the same day that I remember my birthday to be. Crazy, huh?

This year I performed at 10 mascot birthday parties including my own. Seven of the 10 were in the month of March alone. Check it out, here they are in concert T-shirt format:

I'm writing to you from the plane on the way back from New Orleans. It sure is cramped here in the cargo area. I wish they had air-conditioning! This past month has given me some appreciation for the phrase "life on the road." I was talking to G-Wiz from the Washington Wizards this morning in the elevator at the hotel on our way to the lobby to go to the airport to get on a plane to come home to Houston while writing to you. Yes, I did it, 14 prepositional phrases in one sentence. I love to talk about prepositions.

Is G-Wiz cheap or what?

So in the elevator I was asking him whether he leaves a tip in the room for the maid service upon check out. He said he didn't this time. Cheapo! Just kidding G-Wiz, but what you gonna do if I wasn't? Anyway, I told him that sometimes I forget too, but that I remembered this time. I RULE! Then we got into a discussion about how many people actually leave tips in that situation and what the protocol and level of expectation is.

What do ya'll think? I grew up watching my parents leave a tip on the nightstand when checking out of a hotel after every family vacation. The amount of the tip was always $1.50 per day's stay. Some of the other mascots got into the conversation in the van on the way to the airport. I say conversation, but at this point G-Wiz had me in a head lock telling me to stop calling him cheap or else. Some said they had never heard of leaving tips for the maid service. My guess is that, of those who have heard of this practice, many still don't do it because the tip is not presented personally. Since the tip gets left on a nightstand and not handed directly to someone, the reward of gratitude and the pressure of expectation are not present. For those who are aware of this expectation, if that is in fact what it is, and who have simply not just forgotten to do it, we are left with the definition of integrity. Integrity is what you do and how you act when no one is watching. Besides thinking that I'm over-philosophizing, what do you think?

Eddie Vedder

Well, got to go for now. I'm going to see Pearl Jam this weekend in San Antonio with a few of the front office staff from the Rockets. I cut them a deal on my appearance fee since they work for the company - five percent off. I'll let you know if Eddie Vedder rocked or not. As long as he plays a rendition of Neil Young's "Rockin' In The Free World," I'll be happy. Next time on Clutch Speaks look for the Top 10 list of the most frequent questions that I get asked. See you at the game.

P.S. Be Part of Something BIG!