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Congratulations to Timberwolves backup center Michael Olowokandi, as you are the first person EVER to be hit with a stun gun at Tiki Bob's. Granted I've never been to the place, and maybe it's an incredible scene, but I just can't imagine anyone saying, "This is the greatest night of my life, and I'm not leaving Tiki Bob's unless they ELECTROCUTE me!!" If only he showed that same dedication to his basketball team. If Olowokandi gets zapped at 3AM at a GYM because they had to close but he wanted to improve his game so bad that he refused to leave, then that's admirable and he would be a hero in Minnesota. Instead, he had to suck down one last umbrella-filled Mai Tai out of a coconut shell.....ON A GAME DAY!! When I first read this story, I figured he was out at some hardcore hot spot, like "Switchblade Sammy's", or "Brass Knuckle Bootsie's", he got in a life or death brawl, and while swinging wildly in survival mode, this was the only way to bring him down. Nope, he got tough with security guys in grass skirts at a place called Tiki Bob's.....in Indianapolis. Not NYC, L..A., or Miami......but Indy. The guy can't beat out Mark Madsen for the starting center job, so quite frankly Head Coach Flip Saunders should be allowed to tazor him after every pathetic game the Kandi Man plays. This was just an ugly situation all the way around, and in the infamous words of Bill Walton, "There are NO winners here."

Is Kobe Bryant crazy? That's all I can ask. First, he picks a fight with Shaquille O'Neal, not just the biggest man in the NBA, but the biggest human being since Goliath roamed the earth. Now, he's attacking Karl Malone, also not a small man, AND the only player who openly supported him throughout his entire court process last season. Bryant said it was unfair for his teammates to be "looking over their shoulders" waiting for Malone to decide on whether he wants to return or not. How about how unfair it was for Kobe's teammates to "look over their shoulders" all last year wondering whether or not Kobe would go to JAIL? No one called HIM out last season, and you don't think THAT was a distraction? Stop whining!! If you're going to complain about anything, complain about the fact that your starting center is Chris Mihm, or that's it's impossible to talk to Jerry Buss without staring at that giant ungroomed mustache OR that your middle name is "Bean". No one with that middle name has the right to pick a fight with anyone. This is going to sound awful, but I mean it in the nicest way.......on Christmas Day, after I finish laughing at "A Christmas Story" (like I've just watched it for the first time), I'm going to get some pumpkin pie, a nice tall glass of Egg Nog, and watch Shaq drive Kobe through the floorboards of the Staples Center. After which he'll calmly turn around and walk towards the locker room, receiving a raucus standing ovation, high-fiving Jack Nicholson along the way.

Speaking of whiners, how is Vince Carter doing these days? Well, I was right on schedule with this one. I said it would take Vince all of 15 games to quit on his team and pack it in for the season. The Raptors are at game 21, but Vince has quit on this team weeks ago. Is life that bad for Carter? He's due to make almost $60 million over the next four years, and he's done nothing but sulk and demand a trade. Nothing would please me more than if he did get traded.....to New Orleans for Baron Davis and he can finish the season with the 1-81 Hornets. Now Carter is hurt.......again......this time it's his achilles and we don't for how long he'll be out. I'm telling ya, Vince is that kid we all grew up with, you know what I'm talking about, when you'd play freeze tag and you were chasing him and he was ALMOST in your grasp and he'd yell, "TIMEOUT" and then drop to the ground and hold his ankle, like he was hurt. Then when you turned your back he'd stand up and yell, "TIME IN" and run back safely to home base. He's cried "wolf" for the last time with me, and I will plead with all of you to NOT vote for him in the All-Star Game!! Fans love his highlight reel dunks and his acrobatic layins, but he's a baby, I'm sorry, but Vince Carter is a baby, and I would love it if he recieved 4 votes for the All-Star game this year. That will give him plenty of time to listen to his IPod.

I will miss Hubie Brown roaming the sidelines for the Memphis Grizzlies. Heck, he got that team to win FIFTY games, are you kidding me? AND he actually controlled J-Will, that not only deserves Coach of the Year honors, but a Nobel Peace Prize! I won't miss hearing his postgame press conferences though, as anyone who's ever heard him talk knows, the guy doesn't carry nearly enough throat lozenges. Every time he speaks I clear MY throat, but he's a great coach and he'll be missed by that ballclub. Personally, I'd rather watch someone get a haircut, than watch a Mike Fratello-run offense......

All of you out there that are worried about Keith Bogans becoming the next Matt Harpring, or Ben Wallace, or Chauncey Billups, or Chucky Atkins or.......well, you get the idea, you can all settle down. I know he's leading the Bobcats in scoring, but someone has to, so there's no cause for alarm there. Although, that is one player I did hate to see go.

Lastly, I must give credit where credit is due. The Seattle Supersonics have the best record in the NBA, I don't know HOW, but they do. Reading that roster at the beginning of the season I truly thought they couldn't beat the Sioux Falls Skyforce of the CBA (who actually have a pretty good team this year) but I was way wrong. I failed to realize that Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis are in the final years of their contracts, so don't expect a drop-off from them any time soon. As long as Danny Fortson and other role players keep rebounding and handing the ball to Ray, they'll continue to win. Eventually their downfall will be the fact that they actually issue authentic NBA jerseys to Nick Collison and Robert Swift, but until that dark day comes, watch out for the Sonics!!

Dante welcomes your comments, questions and alternative opinions. E-mail him here.

Dante’s Speak is solely the opinion of Dante Marchitelli and does not reflect the views of the Orlando Magic or the NBA. Marchitelli has served as radio producer in the Orlando Magic's Broadcast department for six seasons.