Magic Radio producer Jake Chapman spends hours on end alone in his studio. If that’s not depressing enough, he regularly talks to himself. Jake’s Take is an aggregate of his ramblings, musings, and occasionally coherent thoughts.

Posted by Jake Chapman, Tuesday, July 24, 2012, 8:45 AM

Ad It Up

Last Thursday NBA Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver announced the league’s intent to allow small advertising patches on their team uniforms beginning as early as 2013-14. Following the annual summer meeting of the NBA Board of Governors, Silver said small patches, roughly 2x2 (inches) on authentic and replica team jerseys could generate nearly $100 million in annual revenue. The Board of Governors will likely vote on the measure in September.

While some self-righteous radio hosts will likely wax poetic about the simpler times of sport, I am actually all for the patches. This is America, sport is big business. Business is money. Advertising is money. Let’s not pretend every arena isn’t named after a corporation and every pre-game show isn’t brought to you by a beer. Advertising is one of the things we do best in America, as are professional sports. This is merely a long-overdue marriage!

With that in mind, I decided to come up with some of the most apropos team/company unions. Yes, Dan Gilbert founded Quicken, Mickey Arison is the CEO of Carnival and our own Senior Chairman Rich Devos co-founded Amway. Those are the simplest answers to this exercise, but where’s the fun in that?!? With that said, here are 30 patches I would LOVE to see on team uniforms, and if we could start whipping these up immediately that’d be great..

Atlanta – Expo DRY-ERASE Boards

Danny Ferry has literally wiped the slate clean in Atlanta, trading Joe Johnson and Marvin Williams for a plethora of expiring deals. The next step is building a team, and Cleveland fans who remember the summer of Damon Jones, Larry Hughes and Donyell Marshall will tell you good luck with all of that.

Boston – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

Now Paul Pierce can actually receive an Oscar for his epic flopping performances.

Brooklyn – Spalding

Because with Deron Williams and Joe Johnson in the same backcourt, they’re going to need as many basketballs as they can get.

Charlotte – WCW

Ric Flair is still the King of Charlotte. The sooner the Bobcats realize this, and the sooner they wear feathered robes out for pre-game warm-ups while the entire arena yells “WHOOOOO!!” the better.

Chicago – Polish Sausage, Ditka

Looking for outdated Chris Farley references? You’re in the right spot.

Cleveland – The opposite of whatever LeBron’s wearing

Clevelanders don’t do “I’m happy for you!” very well.

Dallas – Qdoba

You know how you set out looking for Chipotle, then can’t find one and look for Moe’s, then end up dragging your heels into a Qdoba just because it’s there? Say hello to Elton Brand and Darren Collison Mavs fans!

Denver – Mountain Dew

Because giving Javale McGee $44 million over 4 years is totally gnarly.

Detroit – Ford

No jokes here folks. The league is better when the Pistons are good, and America is better when Ford is pumping out F-150’s like hotcakes.

Golden State – Golden Corral

Because the Warriors are about to enter their GOLDEN Age! Steph Curry under Mark Jackson’s tutelage, Klay Thompson and Harrison Barnes sharpshooting on the wings and Andrew Bogut and David Lee on the blocks? Warrior fans finally have reasons for optimism. Add to that the imminent move to San Francisco, home of the GOLDEN Gate Bridge? I just blew my own mind.

Houston – Caterpillar

It appears this franchise is still under construction.

Indiana – Target

You’re not going to hit any home runs, but you’re coming home with a few bags of solid, dependable goods.

LA Clippers – Turtle Wax

Just like Turtle Wax can make even the most lemon-y automobile look good, shrewd offseason moves might lead the novice NBA fan to expect great things from the Clips in years to come. Bringing in Grant Hill and Lamar Odom and resigning Blake Griffin for 5 years are decidedly un-Clipperlike moves. But Griffin tearing his meniscus within 24 hours of signing said extension? Sadly, they’re still the Clippers.

LA Lakers – Duncan Hines

Because for years the Lakers have been having their cake and eating it too. See Nash, Steve.

Memphis – Duncan Hines

Memphis also gets Duncan Hines, mainly because Zach Randolph wants some cake. Like, now.

Miami – Hoover


Milwaukee – Fluorescent Fanny Packs

The Bucks are remarkably boring, but fluorescent fanny packs from the eighties might spice things up a bit. Plus you can keep stuff in there like Bubbletape and a Walkman.

Minnesota – Telemundo

Because Ricky Rubio, aside from being one of the best young point guards in the league, has the best Spanish-language Soap Opera name in NBA history. I’m pretty sure Ricardo Rubio was an evil heart surgeon whose twin brother had him buried alive on “Destilando Amor.” No? Maybe check again..

New Orleans – Univision, Uni-Ball Pens, Unilever, Unicef

These are all uni-versally respected companies and organizations, and we’re all uni-ted when we say their logos would look great on Anthony Davis’ uni-form.

New York – JD & the Straight Shot

Knicks owner James Dolan won’t miss a chance to promote his up and coming down and going rock band.

Oklahoma City – GE

GE sells light bulbs (I think that’s all they sell…) allowing for an awesome “Thunder and Lighting” corporate partnership. Thank me later, Thunder.

Orlando – 4 Rivers BBQ

This has to be worth at least a gift card, right?

Philadelphia – Will Smith

Will was just shootin’ some b-ball outside after school one day when he was rudely interrupted by a couple of guys who were up to no good. As far as I know he never got the chance to finish that game of b-ball. Let’s give him that chance.

Phoenix – The 2012-13 Phoenix Suns Media Guide

This thing will be handy for the first few weeks of the season, I mean how else will Suns fans learn Michael Beasley’s favorite TV show? (It’s Spongebob Squarepants. Seriously.)

Portland – Nike

The Blazers need a complete makeover, and with Oregon staple Nike in their own backyard, where better to look? Seriously, you’re wearing the same jerseys Clyde Drexler and Jerome Kersey wore, switch things up a bit.

Sacramento – North Face

Simply put, this team leaves me cold. So why not warm things up with a classy yet functional fleece from the North Face? Whether you’re shivering 4,000 feet up in the Sierra Nevada’s, or shuddering as Demarcus Cousins takes another ill-advised jumper, you’ll be warm at least!

San Antonio – YMCMB

Greg Popovich LOVES Weezy.

Toronto – Lee Jeans

I hereby decree that all Toronto Raptors coaches and staff must wear the Canadian Tuxedo as their official uniform. Stonewashed denim on stonewashed denim. GO!

Utah – Kool-Aid

Utah wears purple. Purplesaurus Rex tasted good. Is this column over yet?

Washington – Big Tobacco

Insert snarky joke about the government here.