Remain seated and come to order. The Honorable AJ Mass presiding…

Open Case #RCK8NYSV --- We'll Tak' A Cup O' Kindness Yet

Happy New Year y’all! Did you ever stop to wonder why exactly we celebrate the ringing in of the new year each and every year by gathering together to watch as Dick Clark leads us in a Sesame Street-styled backwards counting lesson, while a huge glowing ball descends slowly earthward on a stick in the center of town, like a giant beacon for any would-be terror groups? Perhaps we should thank the Scots (or blame, depending upon your point of view), and their traditional celebration called Hogmanay.

The most widely practiced traditions of Hogmanay are “first-footing” -- which starts immediately after midnight, and involves the first person to come into a friend’s house. He must give gifts such as coal, shortbread or silverware. This task is supposed to set the level of luck for both giver and recipient for the rest of the year, so it is important that a suitable person does the job. Traditionally, a tall, dark man bearing a gift is preferred. An elbow to the face by Kobe Bryant is not. Perhaps Tracy McGrady can help out. His name sounds Scottish, at the very least. Our culture has replaced this gift-giving with “a kiss”, although personally, I prefer it NOT be given by a tall, dark man. I think my wife would concur… though if Jake Gyllenhall were involved… she might make an exception. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Another Hogmanay custom is the “fireball swinging”. This involves local people constructing spheres of chicken wire, tar, paper and other flammable material with wire, chain or non-flammable rope attached. The orbs are then swung round and round town, until at last any fireballs which are still burning are cast into the sea. Large crowds flock to the town to watch, though I do not believe they are necessarily encouraged to have a “rocking” time.

Hogmanay also introduced the custom of singing Auld Lang Syne, which most of us generally fake our way through. Earlier this year, the Utah Jazz attempted to start their own tradition, by waiving James Lang before the season began. We see if it catches on with other teams… Sing with me… “For All, Lang Not Signed, My Dear…”

William (possibly related to Braveheart himself?) writes in with this trade offer he’s considering for the new year: “I'd give Kirk Hinrich, Josh Smith, and to get Boris Diaw and Lamar Odom. Should I make the trade?”

It’s time to play along with host Howie Mandel yet again as we watch the newest game show sensation Diaw or No Diaw. And I’ve got to say “Diaw!!!” Let’s look at the TCE’s here, shall we? William is asked to part with Hinrich (16.55), The Other A.I. (15.68) and Josh Smith (10.80). What is he getting back for his troubles? Diaw at 17.55 and Odom with a stellar 20.29!!! He’s improving his lineup by far. Diaw, William, Diaw!!!! Jump on this before the effects of the Hogmanay ale wear off and your trademate comes to his senses!!!

Stern Words of Wisdom

To borrow from C3P0, “Let the Rookie win!” And to do just that, the NBA hands out a Rookie of the Year Award. Currently, the top three candidates for this prize (according to NBA.com’s Rookie Rankings) are Chris Paul, Channing Frye and Andrew Bogut. Wait a second… that’s not what the droid said! He said, “Let the Wookiee win!”

Speaking of which, Chubacca (I kid thee not) posts on the message board: “I hear that Shareef Abdur-Rahim has a broken jaw and is out indefinitely. Who should I pick up while he is out?”

Chewie then listed some twenty or so options from his league’s waiver wire. As you may have heard, Abdur-Rahim took an elbow to the jaw from Portland's Zach Randolph, and could have his jaw wired shut for about six weeks. The message boards considered all the eligible names and seemed to come to a consensus on the following five as Chewie’s best bets…

Kenny Thomas --- His TCE of 6.67 notwithstanding, he’s an obvious choice, being the chief beneficiary of Shareef’s lost time. If his 29 points against the Celtics are any indication of things to come… he’s a very solid sub.

Shane Battier, Devin Harris and Udonis Haslem --- With their TCE’s ranging from 10-13, this trio are really no big whoop… I say, “Sith of One, Half Dozen of the Other”

Shaun Livingston --- Now here’s your hidden gem. He was out just two weeks ago, due to a back injury. But he’s back with a vengeance, and though it’s a small sample, he’s built up a TCE of 18.35 thanks to a high number of assists and decent steal and rebounding totals.

Chubacca, this appeals to you, I presume?
“Waaaaarrrgggghhh!!!!!”
I’ll take that as a yes and a thank you.
You’re welcome.

Anyways, we’re going to call it a year. Thanks to everyone who has read, written or otherwise enjoyed this labor of love that I call The Commish’s Court. Have a safe Hogmanay, and remember to point the flaming fireballs away from the face… lest ye end up tutoring Nick Stahl.

Next week: More from the mailbag, including angry letters from Oscar the Grouch, Heath Ledger, Mel Gibson (twice) and Peter Mayhew.

All rise… The Court has now adjourned!

The views expressed by the TalentedMrRoto.com represent only the views of the writers; they do not represent the views of the NBA or any NBA team.

AJ Mass is a fantasy expert for NBA.com. His column The Commish’s Court runs every Saturday as part of the NBA.com Premium Scouting Report. Contact him at thecommish@TalentedMrRoto.com.