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To: PFC General Managers, Press, World, Michael Jackson
From: Big Man
Subject: Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated
Greetings. It has been quite an interesting few days, hasn't it? In fact, it's been quite an entertaining three months, if you go back to the day this league was formed. Expect the unexpected. If you expect the unexpected, the expected will happen. Therefore, you won't be prepared.
Let me briefly respond to any rumors you may have heard about my naked, crazed jaunt through Manhattan. There is a reasonable explanation for it. After getting out of the shower, my dog got out. My dog isn't smart. Some dogs leave and find their way back. My dog leaves and hitchhikes to El Segundo. So, I had to chase my dog down in my underwear -- yes, I was clothed. Although someone reported that my head was shaved, I was wearing a shower cap. And my dog's name? Buttafinga. I like candy. And A Christmas Story.
Enough of that.
As you know, David Byrd submitted his resignation yesterday. I realize that this move stirred some passionate responses. It's ok. Whatever happens in this league is for the good of the league. If he doesn't want to participate, we'll be better for it. If Philly wants to discuss the intelligence of his stool, it makes us better people. If Dallas wants to philosophize in iambic pentameter, we are all winners. If nothing else, this has been an educational experience. You learn about all types of people by being associated with this group. Several types that you never knew existed. You are all certainly unique.
And so, one of the unique individuals in this league submitted his resignation. We wish Mr. Byrd well. He was certainly entertaining. Since we have never experienced nor planned for this set of circumstances, we are again entering a new frontier here. Although there was no obligation to do so, I contacted the leader of the PFC Lakers D-League and invited him to our beloved PFC.
No big deal. The man was dominating the competition, so he was the obvious choice.
Problem. He declined my invitation, citing a lack of time to commit to such an endeavor.
So it is. Yet another unique circumstance in our nice unique family of individuals. We move on. I considered offering the gig to the second place team in the LA Lakers D-League. After thinking through this, I quickly came to the conclusion that this was a bad idea. The PFC is meant to be the best of the best. If you weren't invited or aren't winning your D-League, you shouldn't be here.
My other concern was trust. Trust is big for me. I generally trust you people, but I'm not going to lie. I don't trust you all. I'm paranoid like that. Given this crazy scenario, the last thing I needed was another cuckoo in this nest. We still have another vote coming up, so that will bring in further turbulence and insanity.
So who do I trust? A friend? My trusted Deputy Commissioner? Wurst, of all people? No. No, no, no.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
I will be taking over David Byrd's team. I will have immunity from the final vote. And I will... not lose all of my games. I have $16 of waiver money, three injured players and no healthy stars. How bold can I be?