The Optimist

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Shalom, friends. You’re Cavalier fans. I’m the Optimist. Let’s not waste time with formalities.

Our beloved Cavaliers are in, what NBA experts would term, a “funk.” There’s no need to dance around it. Indiana obliterated the Wine and Gold on Friday night. New Jersey smushed us on Sunday afternoon. And the Big Fundamental stuck it to the Cavaliers at the buzzer on Monday.

I’ll bet Seattle is licking its chops right now. They’re thinking the Cavaliers are ripe for the picking, but those zany Sonics don’t know what’s in store for them at the Gund on Wednesday night. Aside from the usual dosage of TheBron and the large Lithuanian, Seattle can expect a big, wild Brazilian surprise. But we can get back to tonight’s win in just a minute.

First, I’d like to be among the first to welcome Dan Gilbert, the Cavaliers new majority Owner, to the wonderful city of Cleveland. I haven’t met him yet, but I hear he’s very approachable. I’m not ascared either way. My buddy, Wayne, made a ton of bread on this past Super Bowl and his landscaping business has been killing every summer. So people with a lot of money don’t frighten the Optimist.

Sure, Dan Gilbert is three years older than me and just bought a sports franchise for $375 billion. Sure, he’s got a lovely wife and four great kids. Sure, his other company was ranked in the Top 15 in employee satisfaction and his brother is a successful movie producer. Those are all fine and good, I suppose. But what really impresses me about Dan Gilbert is how much weight this man can bench press.

Word on the street is that Gilbert can put up 310 pounds. Now, to put that in perspective, Senator Herb Kohl, principal owner of the Milwaukee Bucks, held the previous bench press record for NBA owners with an anemic 285 pounds – a number Gilbert shattered at this year’s combine. Still, Kohl was one of 30 owners who unanimously ratified Gilbert to take over the Cavaliers’ helm. That’s why the Senator is one of my favorites.

I’m not going to be one of those employees who start asking for huge perks right off the bat, either. I’m going to work my way up and I’ll always have the greater good in mind. For instance, if you’re reading this, Mr. Gilbert, I’d like to request that the crowd gets Gorditas instead of Chalupas every time the Cavaliers score over 100 points. And if Cleveland happens to score more than 200 points, as they did against Atlanta a couple times in the first half of the season, I think the crowd should get a bonus MexiMelt.

I realize it’ll cost a couple extra bucks, Mr. Gilbert, but I know you’re loaded. If this causes you any consternation, my boy Wayne will be glad to take the Cavaliers off your hands. Wayne also fixes Volkswagons, so you can imagine the guy’s got some serious coin stashed away. (Not a threat; just an option.)

Herb Kohl: benevolent Democratic Senator, successful department store magnate and respected NBA owner. Still, DG would have him in a full-nelson faster than you can say "Milwaukee."
I’d also like to talk to Dan Gilbert about possibly moving back to the Gund, maybe even before the playoffs. I realize I was shown the exit early in the season on bad terms, but that was under the old guard. I promise to get along better this time around with webshill and chronic bed-wetter, Joe Gabriele. Honestly.

Well, the new Owner can get back to me at his leisure on those items. Right now, we – and by that I mean you, me and our Cavaliers – have bigger fish to fry. And those fish are called the Seattle Supersonics, owned by the puny Howard Schultz, who makes a damn good cup of coffee, but would lose an arm-wrestling contest to our beloved Owner, ten out of ten.

But that’s not the only reason that Cleveland brings home the bacon tonight.

Another one is that TheBron is poised for a monster game. The young man is bursting, I tell you. I’m thinking LBJ triple-doubles for the third time in his career and notches 33 points doing it.

The Sonics are in the second half of a road back-to-back and will be in no mood to deal with Z. The big man continues his reign of terror, going off for 21 points and 13 boards.

And tonight, I predict the return to splendor for Anderson Varejao, who will grab 11 rebounds in his action-packed comeback.

Tonight begins the end of the three-game skein and the first win in what could be an undefeated remainder of the season for the new ownership as Cleveland wins it going away, 101-90. I don’t know what would make Dan Gilbert any happier than a 27-0 run to close out his first season at the reigns of the Cavaliers. And I think it can be done.

But it all starts tonight. One game at a time, and all that crap. As Tupac Shakur would say: keep ya head up. And as the Optimist always says …

Keep the faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist