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The reason I bring up my stinky little hometown is because we have a lot to cover today and, as you people know, when I start buggin’ like this, it’s best that I take some deep breaths, simmer down and make myself a nice List.
My beloved Bulldogs happen to be No. 4 on today’s slate – which tells you how important Numbers 1 through 3 are.
No. 1, naturally, regards the Cleveland Cavaliers …
1. The Cavs don’t like the Washington Wizards. And the Washington Wizards don’t like the Cavs. It’s a beautiful thing in the blurred lines of today’s sports climate – a climate that sees someone like Ben Roethlisberger sitting courtside in our arena, with total impunity.
Back in the day, if Robert “Stonewall” Jackson saw Terry Bradshaw or even the Much-Maligned Mark Malone sitting courtside at a Cavs game, signing autographs and leisurely enjoying a kosher hot dog, he’d have wiped the Coliseum floor with said Stiller.
Alas, those days are long gone.
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Nights like tonight are where the bad blood begins – in what might seem like an otherwise innocuous Tuesday evening affair in early November. It starts here and it usually ends in late April, with the Wizards unleashing their conventional weaponry at TheBron, right before the league’s MVP steps on they throat and sends them fishing for the summer.
But we still have to do the dance, and that’s why the Cavaliers will be more than happy to send an early message via an 11-point victory – the details of which we will revisit later in today’s column.
First …
2. By the time the Cavaliers and Wizards are ready to get it on, the polls will be closing up on a little something we registered voters like to call “Election Day.”
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Those otherwise-crotchety septuagenarians don’t care who or what you vote for on Tuesday and neither do I. As I’ve said: I always choose a candidate by height. Issue-wise, I’m prone to voting for some sort of initiative that can bring 34,000 jobs, rather than an alternate that might bring, say 0,000.
If there’s an issue like that when I trek out to my local voting station this afternoon, I know which way I’ll swing. You can swing whichever way you’d like, baby.
3. Before you start freaking out that I’m going from early November back to late October – (Halloween, to be exact) – please, hear me out …
I almost never look back on a play from the previous weekend. But on Halloween Night in San Antonio, three-time All-Optimist Second Teamer, Manu Ginobili, cemented a Lifetime Membership when he swatted a bat – yes, a bat on Halloween – out of mid-air.
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I would have run like a little girl back into the locker room the minute that bloodsucker buzzed the floor, but not Manu. He didn’t even kill it! He just rendered the bat temporarily flightless and, according to Spurs’ PR, is currently nursing it back to health aboard their Team Bus.
I don’t know who the other Guard will be, but I do know San Antonio’s sixth man will be at this year’s Banquet.
4. I’m not one of those grown men who gets too heavily into high school football. Frankly, I find that a little bit weird.
But the other day I couldn’t help but notice that my beloved Garbage Hts. Bulldogs’ season came to an end via the dreaded Double-Forfeit.
With the Bulldogs leading 21-14 and less than a minute to go before half, several fights broke out on the field, with violence spilling out into the stands.
Police were literally on the field where even members of the sideline chain gang had gotten into the fracas. (No word on whether or not the Deathmobile rammed the stands.)
Originally, the Dawgs were credited with the win, but later Ohio High School Athletic Association assistant commissioner Henry Zaborniak issued this statement: "With that much time remaining (in the game), no one should win, so we will declare this game a double forfeit – both teams lose."
As a person whose last varsity football game ended in a 0-0 tie against our hated-archrival Shaw – completing an 0-9-1 season for both teams – the news of my beloved Bulldogs ending their season with a Double-Forfeit/Riot fills me with some sort of strange, twisted pride.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Garfield Heights is the Cleveland of Cleveland. Scoreboard.
5. Remember when we talked about beating the Wizards by 11 points on Tuesday and how much the teams don’t like each other?
Here’s what separates the NBA’s best from the Garfield Bulldogs and whatever sissy team name Brush High has. The Cavaliers and Wizards won’t let it get personal. When Shaq throws down in Brendan Haywood’s grill to put Cleveland up six, the Wizards center will understand the Diesel has a job to do.
When Gilbert Arenas draws Washington to within single-figures, he understands Mo Williams is paid big cash to drain a three in his face on the other end.
And even as unhappy as it makes DeShawn Stevenson that TheBron crushes points 45 and 46 on him, he still accepts that this – plus the losing end of a 104-93 decision – is part of life in the NBA.
And it’s on to the next opponent.
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The owner is ticked, man! Who head coach Eric Mangini intends to replace Kokinis with is anyone’s guess. But what’s certain is that shake-ups are forthcoming.
I honestly think our little Pumpkinheads are going on a nice little run after this bye week’s events have unfolded. I think we’re going to see a different Browns team when they take the field on Monday night against the Ravens. It’s going to get nasty – one way or the other.
I’m not saying that game’s going to end in a Double-Forfeit because of fights on the field, spilling out into the stands. But I’m not not saying that.
We’ll worry about that wild night on the North Coast when it rolls around. As for now, little dummkopfs. Please remember to …
Choose faith, Cleveland
Shine on,
The Optimist
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