Shalom, y’uns. It’s just me, the Optimist, checking in from sunny Washington, D.C. – a town where, I’m told, some guy named “Turd Blossom” once rose to become the second-most powerful man in the country. I find that hard to believe.
Despite it being a beautiful Sunday morning – with the Brownies finally ready to draft more Pro Bowlers and the Tribe going for three in a row over New York – I can sense your uneasiness all the way from here, Cavalier fans.
You’re upset because the Wizards didn’t just get back into the First Round series against the Wine and Gold on Thursday night – they pummeled Cleveland by 36 in the process. You’re flummoxed because they did it without Gilbert Arenas and because DeShawn Stevenson canned five three-pointers and rubbed each one of them in our collective grill.
Gas prices are through the roof, there was an earthquake in Reno, and the Reverend Al Sharpton is threatening to shut down New York City. And if all that wasn’t enough … there’s a great white shark on the loose somewhere out there.
Summer’s right around the corner, so we’re not going to shut down the beaches just yet. But if you happen to run into the great white, remember: the best way to kill a shark is to jam an oxygen tank into the corner of its mouth, then shoot the tank with a rifle while it’s swimming towards you – blowing the beast to smithereens, just to be sure.
Easy-to-follow survival tips; see above.
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It’s all about survival, folks. That’s something the Wizards completely understand. They know if they don’t get Game 4 at the Verizon Center, the series goes back to C-Town with their postseason lives on the line.
(And I know you little blockheads back on the North Coast will have that place thumping like ThunderDome either way.)
We’ll get to the Wizards’ Game 4 fate in just a moment. First, let’s take a quick look at what printed off the E-Master top-of-the-line e-mailing machine on Saturday morning.
(I’ve been worried all week that the NSA has been monitoring the 7000™ for the Wizards, so for precautionary measures, I wrapped it in aluminum foil. It’s an old scrambling trick the Black Panthers used to get J. Edgar Hoover’s panties into a bunch.)
Big O,
I have come to you with my thoughts regarding the Playoff Beard. I just want you to know – I like the idea but have observed a couple things this year.
1. Every day we are starting to look more and more like DeShawn Stevenson
2. WWCBD? (What Would Coach Brown Do?) He preaches one game at a time, so wouldn't his idea be to shave before every game?
Yet again, the idea of being in it for the long haul and grinding through the playoffs as a team is what makes the idea attractive. Nobody is going to hand us the Trophy unless we earn it, clean-shaven or not.
Your thoughts?
Brent
Great Falls, OH
Brent, first of all, thanks for reading and writing in. These are certainly intelligent, thought-provoking questions.
For starters, we will never look like DeShawn Stevenson. His beard is part of wager with former Cavalier, Drew Gooden, in which the loser has to dole out hundreds of thousands of dollars. There is no monetary value that can be affixed to the Playoff Beard™.
And secondly, yes, Coach Brown does demand that we take things one day, one game at a time. But he also preaches solidarity and teamwork. And what could be more unifying than us hairy mutts, sporting our supportive rally whiskers though the heat of late spring and early summer?
Nice effort, Brent. Now put down that razor before one of us gets hurt.
You won’t be shaving any time soon. Exspecially with TheBron having games like the one I see from him on Sunday.
The young King is once again chided by the Verizon Center crowd as well as Stevenson, his newfound nemesis. By the end of one quarter, he’s had all he can stands, he can’t stands no more. The Wizards lead by three after the first quarter, and that’s as good as it gets for the rest of the afternoon.
FEAR THE BEARD!
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TheBron begins taking it directly to the hole, punishing the Wizards defense on one trip down the floor after another. The only respite they get from the Chosen One’s aerial bombardment is when they’re watching him shoot free throws.
The Cavaliers lead by five at intermission and by a dozen after three. Antawn Jamison’s back-to-back threes get Washington to within five, but Delonte West’s and-1 seals the deal, with Cleveland taking home the clutch 102-91 win.
The Verizon Center crowd is crushed, their raw emotion captured poetically on the Jumbotron, where Meet the Press host Tim Russert is shown holding and consoling a crestfallen Soulja Boy.
The Cavaliers leave the District of Columbia one win away from sending the Wizards fishing, as the Team Bus roars north by northwest, hellbent for Cleveland and Wednesday’s deciding Game 5.
So let it be written … So let it be done.
Gird up for a good one this afternoon, y’uns. It’s going to be a battle royale, and I hope I was able to prepare you for the hostilities. Finish up your Fruit Loops and get over to your TV set. Now’s the time to …
Keep the faith, Cleveland
Your pal,
The Optimist
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