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I don’t know about you, but getting that fat, hairy 82-game monkey off my back has me feeling like a million bucks! I’m full of P and V!

I’m high on life!!

Like the Cavaliers, I struggled through the final month-and-a-half of the season. But last Monday’s win in Philly unlocked something deep within me. And now that the NBA’s Second Season is here, my mind is aglow with transient nodes of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention and cascading into a whirlwind of creative alternatives. Oh man!

Normally, when I’m tweaking this hard, the Optimette makes me calm down and make myself a List, so I don’t break nothin …

1. The Fearing of the Beard. As you may have noticed from my dashing caricature, I have already begun the annual tradition of cultivating my Playoff Beard™. This, of course, means that you should be, too – if you haven’t already started.

I have been donning the facial fur for each of the past five seasons, coming up short in the first two years of TheBron’s and my tenure with the Cavaliers. But, I’m no pioneer. As many of you know, the Playoff Beard itself dates back to our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, who began growing his rally whiskers in April of 1860 when the Civil War began and didn’t shave it until the Civil War ended with his North squad rallying to top the Confederacy in March of 1865.

And that tradition lives on to this day in Cleveland.

We’re here! We’ve got beards! Get used to it!!

2. The Washington Wizards. One of the Cavaliers’ rites of spring has been to put down the Washington Wizards in the first round of the NBA Playoffs. And we stand at the precipice of this event once more.

But this year, a pair of brazen Wizards have added some spice to their annual ouster.

Of course, Gilbert Arenas famously wrote in his NBA.com blog that Washington wants the Cavaliers and that they feel our beloved Cavaliers can’t beat them three years in a row. And DeShawn Stevenson fired the shot heard ‘round the world on March 13 when he claimed that TheBron was “overrated.”

Personally, I have no beef with either player. Agent Zero seems like a good cat and why wouldn’t a team want revenge after getting skunked twice in two years? As far as Stevenson’s comment, I have to defer to my all-knowing and all-powerful supervisor – Tad Carper III – who said: “Well, being nice to (TheBron) doesn’t work.”

He’s right. TheBron was going to bust Stevenson up anyway. But if DeShawn wants to tug on Superman’s cape for a little extra motivation, that’s fine by me.

I had no problems with the Wizards, until I heard that I needed to pause for a …

3. Moment of Silence. I don’t like to head into the Playoffs by saying Kaddish, but this is one passing that I simply cannot – and will not – ignore.

On Thursday morning, Danny Federici – long-time keyboardist for the E Street Band – passed away at Sloan-Kettering Hospital in New York at the age of 58. He and Bruce Springsteen were friends and bandmates for over 40 years and his influence on Bruce’s sound cannot be measured.

There are times where I have made light of certain celebrities giving up the ghost – like the inventor of the Hula Hoop or Ah Meng, the Sumatran Orangutan. But this is a member of the E Street Band. So you better believe that I’m as serious as the melanoma what killed Danny Federici on this one.

I doubt that the Wizards had anything to do with this, but just to be sure, the Cavaliers will have to smote the crap out of them on Saturday. You folks can do your part by removing your hat and/or toupee and pausing with me for this moment of silence …

Thank you.

4. A Letter. The E-Master 7000™ state-of-the-art e-mailing machine has had a terrible season, gathering dust for most of 2007-08. Of course, I blame you people for not having the stones to write in – like Tim, here …

Dear Optimist,

I hope that you are looking forward to the impending Washington Witnesseserr Wizards series. I am.

There are certain things you expect come late April in Cleveland – traditions, if you will. You expect the snows of winter to melt, animals to be coming out of hibernation, flowers to be in bloom and the Cavaliers to beat Washington in the first round of the NBA playoffs. It wouldn’t be summer in Cleveland if we did not have the annual sending of Washington fishing for the summer.

This year’s Washington elimination promises to be especially fulfilling as the likes of Caron, Gilbert and DeShawn have all run their mouths throughout the course of the season. So this weekend when you step outside, take a deep breath of that fine Cleveland air and relish in all of our great springtime traditions.

Let the second season begin!!!!!!!!

Tim L.
Monroe Falls, OH

5. My Response. Thanks for reading and writing in, Tim. And yes, it is a wonderful annual tradition – the way it is during Halloween, when the trees are filled with underwear, or spring, when the toilets explode.

Of course, the Playoffs don’t officially begin until the Cavaliers remove the Wizards from the NBA’s postseason tournament.

Whether it’s Damon Jones breaking their hearts in the final seconds of a competitive series or the Wine and Gold sweeping them out in four – there is only one certainty: The Wizards must be smote before we move on to the Money Rounds.

6. Game One Victory. Nobody said beating the Wizards would be easy. It won’t be easy on Saturday and it won’t be easy taking the next three after that.

The Cavaliers find this out as they look up to see the Tim Lally Diff™ reads “-8” after three quarters in Cleveland. TheBron has 22 points and 11 boards, but Caron Butler leads everyone with 26 heading into the final period.

Anderson Varejao scores on a couple of quick buckets and Wizards coach Eddie Jordan calls timeout to stop the bleeding. But it doesn’t stop as TheBron and Wally Szczerbiak go back-to-back on a couple threes and Cleveland takes the lead for the first time all afternoon.

Gilbert Arenas ties the game with just over two minutes to play, but Daniel Gibson gets a pair of open looks in the closing moments and it’s boom-boom – out go the lights for Washington in Game 1 as Cleveland takes the 101-95 victory on Saturday afternoon at The Q.

7. The Girding of the Loins. Here endeth the lesson for today, little blockheads. We all know the importance of Game 1 – so I think it’s a little late for pep talks.

The Cleveland Sports Renaissance is ready to blossom, and the young King and his Cavaliers are leading the way. The Wine and Gold can’t win all four games on Saturday afternoon – they can just win Saturday afternoon’s game. Gird up good and tight. Get furry, get furious.

We’re the Eastern Conference Champs until someone knocks us off. That means last spring, we were bigger, better and badder than any team in the East. And we can be again.

To paraphrase my man, Morpheus: Don’t think you are, Cavalier fans. Know you are.

I’ll talk to you folks again on Monday to discuss the next of the three remaining victories. Let us now commence with …

8. The Keeping of the Faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist

COME ON, CAVS! ©1975

please play loudly