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“Howdy pardners” is how people down here in the Lone Star State say “hello, partners” in American – if you can believe it.

Our beloved Cavaliers are 1/82nd of the way home after taking care of business against the Washington Wizards on Wednesday night in the Home Opener. Larry Huge and TheBron combined for 53 points, and Drew Gooden did all the dirty work, as the Wine and Gold stayed perfect for the year with a hard-fought 97-94 win.

There was very little time for celebration, though. With matchups against San Antonio and Charlotte – and a 2600-mile bus trip – ahead of us, key personnel had to be loaded quickly onto the Team Bus, which sat in the bowels of Quicken Loans Arena – fueled up and ready for the road.

This is how Uncle Dave and the NBA separate the wheat from the chaff, my friends. Just as a squad is feeling good about themselves, it’s all aboard the 50-seat Team Bus for a 26-hour cross-country trip in the middle of the night. It’s exspecially hard on the 7-footers.

Elite teams survive the rigors of the road. Teams that can’t, wind up in the Lottery.

As you may have heard, Dan Gilbert spares no expense when it comes to his Cavaliers. And the Team Bus is no exception. Aside from some minor modifications – new struts, a bigger cup-holder for Joe Tait and a brand new cassette deck – this year’s vehicle is essentially the same as last year’s.

The biggest difference this year is the driver. This year, the Cavaliers squad will be driven all season long – 41 games, plus playoffs – by the one we call “Big Mo.”

Big Mo doesn’t have an accomplished driving record and he’s terrible with directions. (On Wednesday night at The Q, I asked how we get to San Antonio and he told me we’re going to “head towards Kansas City and take a left.”)

But the one qualification that Big Mo does have is that he takes no garbage. And with a team that’s as loaded with Seniors as the Cavaliers, the road requires nothing less.

Big Mo

He earned his reputation many moons ago, one rainy night outside of Marion, Illinois while driving for the CBA’s Albany Patroons.

To this day, Big Mo makes it abundantly clear before every trip that there are three things you that DO NOT do in his vehicle’s bathroom: 1. smoke, 2. drink, 3. cuss.

And on that fateful night, Patroons reserve, Boris Kabarcaba, got busted doing all three.

At approximately 4:30 a.m., Big Mo pulled off the next exit and – in no uncertain terms – removed the 6-8 Kabarcaba from the team bus. The Prussian small forward was never heard from again. And Big Mo’s reputation as the toughest Team Bus driver in basketball was etched in League lore.

Now I know what many of you are thinking. You’re thinking: “Hey when are we getting to the part about the Cavaliers kicking the crap out of the Spurs and Bobcats?!”

We’re getting to that right after a quick look at what I pulled off the old E-Master™ 6900 e-mailing machine before I left.

Opti, hook me up with an Ira prediction. I'm thinking the Sixth Man Award this year for him. How do you think he will fare?

Josh
Minster, OH

Josh, thanks for reading and writing in. I still can’t find Minster, Ohio on a map, but if you claim to live there, I’m sure it exists.

It’s funny that you should mention Ira today, because I see him figuring prominently in Friday night’s battle in San Antonio – in a gym he once called his own.

TheBron and Larry Huge once again figure prominently in the final outcome in the nationally-televised win, but it’s Newble’s eight-point outburst mid-way through the third quarter that puts the Cavaliers back in the driver’s seat. The X-Factor, Donyell Marshall, seals the upset when he cans a huge three-pointer in the closing moments.

TheBron finishes with 31 points and 10 assists as the Cavaliers improve to 2-0 with a 93-90 win over Tim Duncan and the Spurs on Friday night.

Mustaches were reserved for private investigators, porn stars and evil dictators until sensational Bobcats rookie, Adam Morrison, came along.

On Saturday, the Wine and Gold head to Charlotte to face the young Bobcats – and most notably – wily rookie, Adam Morrison.

Morrison will draw serious consideration for the All-Optimist Second Team when the season ends. And it’s not just because he’s a fearless competitor and deadly scorer from any point on the floor. No, it’s the mustache and the limitless chutzpah that it takes to wear one. Quite frankly, I love this kid.

For years, mustaches were relegated to the likes of Magnum, P.I. or, to a lesser extent, Ron Jeremy or Saddam Hussein. But Morrison has revived the look, and I, for one, salute him.

Morrison and his mustache won’t be enough to topple our beloved Cavaliers, however. He nets 26 points and nine dimes on Saturday night, but Larry Huge matches his output and adds 11 assists and eight boards of his own. Zydrunas Ilgauskas has his coming out party and drops 23 points on the Bobcats.

Cleveland stays perfect before heading home, winning a 113-108 shootout against Bernie Bickerstaff’s feisty squad.

That’s what the dark arts of Math and Science are calling for this weekend, little dummkopfs. I hope you’re all pleased with the results.

As for me, I’m going to play tourist until game time – heading off check out the basement of the Alamo, which is a highly recommended attraction here in San Antonio. I’ll check back in next week when we roll back into town. Until then, please remember to …

Keep the faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist