I don’t even know what the weather is like back there in Cleveland – exspecially at the time that I’m writing this. I have not checked today’s weather. I just know it sucks.
That is because today is Opening Day for the Cleveland Indians. And crap weather at the Indians Home Opener is as certain as God made little green apples.
And I know what you’re saying. You’re saying: “Hey, you’re supposed to be the Optimist! Why you gotta hate on the Tribe like that?!”
This is the kind of gold you’re not going to find in the Farmer’s Almanac, yo. But you didn’t come here for a weather forecast. You came here to read about how the Cavaliers plan to kick the crap out of the Seventy-Sixers.
I tell you, it’s not going to be easy. The Sixers are in hot pursuit of the 5-seed in the East, thus avoiding Boston or Orlando in the First Round. They haven’t done themselves any favors lately, dropping three straight, including last night’s drubbing in Chicago. Oh, but these Sixers will be ready to rumble when our beloved Cavaliers roll into the Spectrum on Friday.
First, we have your solid-to-strong, nuts and bolts letter discussing this evening’s game in Philly; and it comes to us from someplace in Ohio called “Gahanna” …
ESPN and every other media think it’s a big deal for the Cavs to beat out the Lakers record-wise. I mean, yeah, we're 0-2 against those pesky Lakers. But these Cavaliers are good ... wicked good. Good enough to beat any and all foes who dare stand in their way, homecourt advantage or not! I could care less, but having the advantage of celebrating a Game 7 victory at The Q in the NBA Finals seems really tempting. Nothing personal against Philly, but they are in our way and must be properly disposed of on Friday night.
That’s a real nice effort, Phil. Real nice. You wrote with passion and conviction. You thought both “macro” and “micro.” Well done.
But if any of you readers really want some play, the best way to do so is by being certifiably insane, like one of my all-time favorites, Victor from Brecksville – the man who brought you the prolific postseason battle cry: “Taste the smell of their fear!”
I’ve been up nights worried about little Victor all season. And before Wednesday’s game against the Wizards, my prayers were answered.
I didn't write you this season, and I apologize. I did, however, read every single one of your columns.
Now, straight to our business:
Wizzies must be severely punished. They must feel the shame of the tonight's game all the way to next year. They have no class, they have no decency. They won, but they had the nerve to rub it in.... Kill'em! No mercy for you Wizzies! You're toast!
It’s only 9:20 a.m., but I am already pumped up for tonight. There is going to be so much drama for the Wizzies. I can taste the revenge!
Am I crying?
Because it wouldn’t surprise me if I were.
It’s obvious that my man, Victor, is batcrap crazy. But he’s just crazy enough to will the Wine and Gold through the postseason. You don’t have to be a fruit loop like Victor to get into the “Letters” section of the column – but it don’t hurt.
In regards to tonight’s victory in Philly, let me begin with this warning: You don’t want to fool with Donyell Marshall in April. The man’s hit some BIG shots. I’ve seen him do it.
But Marshall’s bombs only serve to awaken the giant known as “TheBron.” And with just over two minutes to play, No. 23 cuts a swath of destruction through Philly’s defense. He scores six of the Cavaliers’ final nine points – the other three notched by Sir Maurice Williams, who cans a trey from the right corner that seals the Wine and Gold’s 99-94 victory, and the top spot in the Eastern Conference.
And why do the Cavaliers have the top spot in the East? Is it because they’re good at basketball? Yes. Is it because they’re well-coached or because they have Planet Earth’s best basketball player? Yes and yes.
There won’t be any rent-a-players hoisting the Larry O’Brien Trophy for Cleveland in June. It’ll be all true-blue, dyed-in-the-wool Cavaliers. And that’ll make it just that much sweeter.
That’s all for today, y’uns. Despite the poor conditions, good luck to Manager Lou Brown and this year’s Indians – who, I predict will bounce back from the three-game sweep in Texas to top those Hosers on Friday at The Prog.
And remember, people: Despite our worldwide website’s new gargantuan font – Geriatric Sans – I am not yelling at you readers. I’m simply encouraging you to …
Keep the faith, Gahanna