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For those of you who have never had the privilege of visiting the Cradle of Liberty, that’s how every single person in Philadelphia says “hello” to each other. Totally true.

The Team Bus busted out of the bowels of The Q right after the Cavaliers dropped the jerry-rigged Heat on Sunday night. It’s hard to believe Pat Riley’s club was World Champion just two years ago. Now, the injury-depleted Heat looks like a stripped car on blocks. Rony Seikaly must be rolling over in his grave.

There but for the grace of God, go We …

That being said – it’s far too late in the season to start feeling guilty about smoting our foes. We’ve got a date with the Washington Wizards in less than a week, and it’s time to get our loins girded good and proper. If you don’t have a membership to a local health spa like Scandinavian or Vic Tanny – I suggest you get down there and sign up. Because it’s about to get nasty.

I know it’s difficult for many of you to believe that the team you’ve been watching over this last month will soon shift from “stun” to “kill.” But the postseason is what they’re built for. And I’m only going to say this once – (until I say it again this weekend) …

Did somebody say "Wizards"?

The Wizards make TheBron mad.

Our young Chosen One doesn’t have any beef with the Hawks or the Milwaukee Bucks. He has buddies on the Bulls and Nuggets and is likely indifferent to the Seattle SuperSonics. TheBron probably doesn’t even mind the Raptors – even with Chris Bosh’s woman jawing at him from the baseline.

But the Wizards have made him angry in the past – and they don’t mind doing it. Oooohh it’s gonna be on like Donkey Kong, folks! I didn’t want the Wizards all year, either. But now that it’s lined up, I’m ready to get it on.

OK, I know what you Philadelphia 76ers fans are thinking right about now. You’re thinking, “Hey! When’s he going get to the part where the Cavaliers kick the crap out of our team?!”

Well don’t you worry you Italian Stallions. The prediction is coming; and that right soon.

But first – speaking of TheBron’s buddies – check out what I pulled out of the Optimist Mailbag on Saturday morning …

Dear Optimist:

I am MAD at LeBron. (sic) He laughed when we got creamed (Friday) night by Larry Hughes (sic) and the Chicago Bulls. I saw him yucking it up with reporters in the interview after the game. What up with him? And why did we trade Larry Hughes (sic) anyway? All he did was play through injuries…

Sincerely,

Bort Stein Jr. (Age 8, pictured)
Parma, OH

OK, son. Normally, this is where I tell the person who wrote in: “Thanks for reading and writing in.” But I’m not doing that here.

For starters, young Bort, your Phonics teacher should be ashamed. Secondly, don’t worry about TheBron – he knows what time it is. His buddies on the Bulls will be taking their summer vacation soon and he wanted to wish them well. And thirdly, you really should leave the clever stuff to the professionals.

I’m sorry if I have neglected the Sixers in today’s column. They’re the NBA’s feel-good story of the second half and here’s me: looking past them and on to the playoffs. Coach Mike Brown would be appalled.

I actually love what Maurice Cheeks has done in Philly. He’s brought the team out of Allen Iverson’s shadow, given them a system that suits their style and developed a young, talented squad. He’s a local legend who’s excited Sixers fans about basketball once again.

These Sixer fans remember big shots from Mo Cheeks and Moses Malone. Julius Erving called Philly his home. There was Bobby Jones, Daryl Dawkins, Andrew Toney sinking threes. (And Rocky Balboa comes from south Philly.) When fans want to make it on time to the show, there's only one road that they really have to know. To get down to Fishtown without all that jive, they prefer that you drive on I-95. Wanna get downtown and feeling in a fix? They get on the road they call "676."

We're way overdue for a big old Wild Thing night.

These lucky fans are celebrating “Fan Appreciation Night” at the Wachovia Center tonight. Unfortunately, they’re not going to appreciate this …

After three quarters, 11 minutes and 55 seconds, our beloved Cavaliers and their beloved Sixers have battled to a 93-93 draw. Andre Iguodala leads both clubs with 34 points. The Cavaliers in-bound the ball to TheBron, who takes one dribble, rocks back, lifts and … finds a wide-open Anderson Varejao under the bucket. The Wild Thing dunks home the game-winner with 1.1 to play.

Needless to say, it’s Brazilian man-hugs all around when the buzzer sounds with the Cavaliers on the winning end – 95-93.

The Cavaliers haven’t won a meaningful road game in over a month – until tonight. This victory, plus one more against the Pistons, will give the Wine and Gold the juice they need to get it revved up for Washington.

Sixer fans still have the playoffs to look forward to themselves, but they go home angry on Monday night. Not only didn’t the 76ers win, but TheBron wasn’t even the one who beat them. Furious Philadelphians across the city head to their local butcher shops to punch out a side of beef to work out their frustrations.

Well, you can smack your meat all night, Philly. The Cavaliers are leaving town tonight right after the game, and don’t try any funny stuff – we’ve already attached the postseason cow-catcher to the front of the vehicle.

That’s it for today, people. With a couple hours to kill before game time, I think I’m going to drink three raw eggs and jog through the streets, through an outdoor market with merchants throwing me free fruit, then sprint along the dock and charge up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and raise my arms into the air when I get to the top.

Thousands of kids might follow me, or they might not. Either way, I’m going the distance – just to prove that I wasn’t just some bum from the neighborhood.

We’re on the clock now, people. It’s time to …

Choose faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist

COME ON, CAVS! ©1975

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