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Not the cocksure smirk my caricature is wearing to the right. I’m talking about a full-fledged ear-to-ear smile – pearly whites and all.

There’s a chance I’ll be seeing Cavaliers GM Dan Ferry for the Draft on Thursday night at Cleveland Clinic Courts. And if I do, the former Dukie better be prepared for some love. Because I intend to man-hug the living crap out of him – a la Anderson Varejao – for making the gargantuan deal that brings the Diesel to Cleveland.

As a lifelong citizen-soldier of the Cavaliers, I can honestly say that Thursday marks the greatest big man acquisition this side of Nate Thurmond. We’re talking Shaq Fu, Wilt Chamberneezy, the Big Galactus. I can’t lie: If there’s one player in the National B.A. that I love to watch as much as TheBron, it’s the Diesel. The best part is when he dunks.

Shaq Daddy has a NBA portfolio that’s as big as his 7-1, 325-pound frame. He was the 1992-93 Rookie of the Year, the 2000 NBA MVP, a three-time Finals MVP, two-time scoring NBA champ, and three-time All-Star MVP – the last of which he shared with Kobe Bryant, whom he later asked how his arse taste.

For his career, the Diesel is one of only two players – along with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar – in NBA history to total at least 27,000 points, 12,000 rebounds and 2,500 blocks. He has the second-highest field goal percentage in NBA history (.582) and is the league’s active leader in points (27,619), offensive rebounds (4,068), total rebounds (12,566) and free throw attempts (10,895).

Of course, some haters are asking: What does Shaq have left in the tank?

The Suns were using Shaq all wrong last year -- loading him into the air cannon and firing him into the crowd.

Baby, he is the tank!

But in case you’re wondering, Shaq started 75 games last year with Phoenix, averaging 17.8 points on an NBA-best and career-high .609 shooting – an NBA-record 10th time – with 8.4 rebounds, 1.7 assists and 1.4 blocks per game. His 75 games played were the most in a season since 1999-2000.

But, look, numbers are for nerds. The Diesel brings so much more.

He’s a platinum-selling rapper, with such classics as “(I Know I Got) Skills” to his name. He’s appeared in several films, including “Blue Chips” in which breathed life into the role of “Neon Bodeaux.” And when he’s not winning Championships, belting out hit singles or stealing the silver screen, the Big Baryshnikov dabbles in law enforcement. In 2005 – recently deputized as a Miami Beach reserve officer – Shaq helped bring a pair of hate-crime-committing knuckleheads to justice.

(And I’m not even mentioning his impressive Scrabble™ skills.)

Now, some of you Draftniks out there might be wondering: “Hey, Shaq’s great. But what about the NBA Draft?”

Shaq Fu has three settings: Crush, Kill and Destroy.

Well, normally I would spend this entire column talking about the NBA Draft. It’s one of my favorite nights of the year. But once the Diesel deal came up, I had to totally scrap my entire two-round Mock Draft. I only got as far as Blake Griffin going No. 1 overall to the Clippers, but I’m sure you guys can figure out the rest of the picks.

(Besides, if I’m not going to devote space for a triple Moments of Silence™ for Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and the King of Pop, I’m sure as sugar not going to waste valuable Shaq time on a Mock Draft.)

As far as the players the Wine and Gold had to give up to get Shaq, that makes me more than a little sad. Big Ben Wallace was a fan and Optimist favorite. He was badder than ol’ King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog. And Splasha Pavlovic was a dead-eye marksman and dogged defender when he was on. They were both great Cavaliers and I wish them well.

As far as next year’s second-rounder, I’m sure he would have been a good guy, too. The Cavaliers also sent the Suns cash considerations, so they can buy themselves something nice.

But the bottom line is: The Cavaliers lost two-and-a-half players and have gotten an indefatigable, indisputable icon in return.

And now, with Shaq in the Eastern Conference, we will truly see – Mssr. Dwight Howard – who is the true Son of Jorel.

The good news for Shaq is that he won't have the Large Lithuanian working him over twice a year.

What will Shaq’s new nickname be? "The Big Erie?" "The Terminal Tower?" "Witness Protection?"

Who knows? Who cares?!

The fact is that the Cavaliers now have two future Hall of Famers in their starting lineup. They have two players that demand a consistent double-team and the shooters and slashers to surround them. They don’t lose any cap flexibility for 2010 and will easily be the most-watched team in basketball.

Shaq comes to Cleveland big, mean and motivated. He wants a Ring as badly as his new teammates do.

So set up the schedule, Uncle Dave. We already know that the Wine and Gold are playing the Lakers on Christmas Day. Just tell us when and where the other 81 games are and Coach Brown will send TheBron, Shaq and Co. out to thump some skulls.

If I see Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert, at the Clinic Courts during Draft Night, I might have to give him a big ol’ man-hug, too. He’s the greatest owner the city’s seen in my lifetime, and on Thursday, he gave the town another gift that should keep on giving. Prepare to be squeezed, DG.

As for you, Cavalier Nation, you can believe that this isn’t the final move of the offseason. In fact, it’s likely just the start.

That’s reason enough for you to …

Keep the faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist