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Buenos dias, knuckaheads! It’s me, the Optimist, checking in from Miami, F.L.A. – home of Luther Campbell, Gloria Estefan, Hyman Roth, Jimmy Johnson, Janet Reno, Crockett, Tubbs, and Tony Montana, a political prisoner from Cuba.

As surly and saltified as I was yesterday, I am equally fired up and high on life today!

Last night in Orlando could not have gone any better. All our Shaq fantasies came true within three minutes – the time it took the Diesel to plant Dwight Howard on the bench with a pair of fouls. Mo Williams exorcized some postseason demons with a 28-point outburst and TheBron was his sensational self, pouring in a game-high 36.

To the Magic’s credit, they made no excuses. They were without Rashard Lewis, who killed Cleveland last spring and, according to reports, is now the size of Triple H. The Wine and Gold, by the same token, were without an inactive Delonte West.

But maybe my favorite part of the evening took place before tip-off. That’s when the Chosen One laid down the law – instituting a free agent moratorium, mere hours after I did so in yesterday’s column.

No mas!

For me, it was the suggestion that TheBron join the Lakers in 2010. In the locker room, it was a reporter asking him if he’ll join the Heat. TheBron paused for a second, then announced that he won’t be discussing the topic of free agency for the rest of the season, saying it’s not fair to himself, his family, his teammates or the organization. Plus, he’s just bored by it.

Naturally, some reporter will ask him about not being asked about it in the visitor’s locker room this evening.

I wish I was kidding about that last part. But that’s life on the road with the Greatest Show on Earth.

Normally, this is the portion where I publish and respond to a letter that I’ve received. There’s only one problem – I haven’t gotten one since “The Golden Hebrew” hit me up two days ago. Nothing from my Junior Optimist buddies. Nothing from Morgenstern or Bort Stein or Victor from Brecksville. Nothing from any of my foxy female readers, asking if I’m wearing pants.

So instead, we’ll just take a boring old intermission right here.

Feel free to run to the vending machine or grab a cold beer or even go make a nice No. 2. We’ll be here when you get back and talk all about tonight’s equally-impressive victory against the Heat …

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There.

Does everyone feel refreshed and ready to take on Dwyane Wade?

Sages -- pictured with Prof. Dwyane Wade (l.) -- always brings it for Cavs-Heat.

TheBron is. And he proves it by going 6-for-6 from the floor in the first quarter at AmericanAirlines Arena. The Cavaliers lead by five after one. At the break, TNT’s Craig Sager tries to ask Coach Mike Brown how his team is managing to contain Wade, but Coach Brown can’t stop laughing at Sager’s preposterous aquamarine-and-amethyst ensemble – garish even by his kaleidoscopic standards.

The Heat outscore the Wine and Gold in the second quarter behind the hot shooting of Wade and Quentin Richardson. But that’s as good as it gets for Miami.

Fans are just rolling in to the Arena when the Cavaliers begin making their third quarter move, led by Daniel Gibson’s three-point barrage. Boobie drains four bombs in the second half and Mo Williams stays hot, canning three threes of his own.

TheBron puts the finishing touches on Thursday’s win in the final period, dropping a dozen points on Eric Spoelstra’s scrappy squad – including the game-clinching and-1 with 44 seconds to play. Cleveland completes the Sunshine State sweep with the 104-97 win on Thursday night.

That’s all for today, little dummkopfs. I’m going to try and get some valuable pool time here at the El Flamingo – sun my buns a little before we head back to the North Pole.

The Cavaliers can make it six of their last seven with a win tonight. Do not risk this with a refusal to …

Choose faith, Cleveland

All the best,
The Optimist

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