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If Game 1 taught us Cavalier fans anything, it’s that it will take MUSCLE to win this seminal Semifinal series – and it won’t be for the faint of heart. Tuesday night at the Garden was like a knife-fight in a phone booth, with the Celtics handing Cleveland the business end of a 76-72 decision. And I know that the hard-luck loss has got you people fretting your pretty little heads about Game 2.

But because I’m up here in M.I.T. Country and these are the NBA Playoffs, I’m going to lay some quick, cold-blooded Math on you – just to ease your minds so we can enjoy today’s column together.

You can crunch the numbers from here until rapture, but as irrefutable as Newton’s Law or Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is this iron-clad axiom: TheBron never – ever! – has two bad games in a row. There’s a better chance of the sun rising from the West on Friday morning than No. 23 laying another egg the night before.

Rightfully, you ask: Does this same theory apply to Paul Pierce and Ray Allen?

Of course it doesn’t.

Those two shooting a combined 2-for-18 is the result of lock-down, balls-to-bones Cavaliers defense. Expect more of the same, or worse, on Thursday night. TheBron’s struggles can be considered a physical anomaly, like a disruption of the space-time continuum.

When I explain it like this – with fast, hard facts – it puts insecure Cleveland sports fans, like my boy, Cavaliers Director of Graphic Design, Mark Podolak, in a better state of mind.

FEAR THE BEARD!

As we often do when traveling into tight spots like Boston or Detroit or San Antonio, the Cavaliers roll with a little extra muscle. And they don’t get much badder than Podes – the pride of Old Brooklyn. He’s what these local Chowds would call “a wicked pissah.”

Unfortunately, Podes has little or no sense of decorum on the road, as you can see by the photo to the left.

The city of Boston takes the time and trouble to bronze Red Auerbach and set him out on a park bench, and there’s Podolak – mugging for a photo and mocking the legendary Celtics coach with his Cavaliers t-shirt. It’s poor sportsmanship, and immediately after taking the photo, I refused to be party to it.

From one flummoxed Cavalier fan to another, let us briefly turn to the Optimist Mailbag, where this correspondence from an old friend appeared …

Dear Optimist-

I’m beginning to wonder about my Playoff Beard. In the First Round, DeShawn Stevenson wore one. And now, this “GINO” that everyone’s talking about is wearing one.

What da hell?

Sincerely,

Bort Stein, Esq.
Parma, OH

Bort, as always, thanks for reading and writing in. But, as I tell all my readers – there’s no need to cuss. Don’t work blue, Bort. You’re better than that.

Beware of false prophets.

And I believe I addressed this issue during the First Round, the facial hair DeShawn Stevenson was sporting was based on a wager with Drew Gooden over hundreds of thousands of dollars. Anyone can wear a beard with that pot’o’gold at the end of it.

In regards to GINO – the Celtics new version of the Victory Cigar – I don’t know what you call that look. But I know a Playoff Beard™ when I see one. And that
ain’t it.

Thankfully, the Cavaliers won’t have to see the swarthy star of the Garden’s jumbotron again this season – taking Game 2 on Thursday night and coming back to nab Game 5 in less than a week.

The formula is simple tonight, my friends. The Celtics throw their vaunted defense back at TheBron, but by midway through the second quarter, the young King has cracked their code. In the final two minutes before intermission, he triples not once, not twice, but thrice as the Wine and Gold head to halftime leading by one.

Ray Allen begins the third quarter with a pair of quick threes, but his efforts are matched by Boobie Gibson. Early in the fourth, Kevin Garnett and the Large Lithuanian go toe-to-toe – netting nine points apiece as Boston clings to a three-point lead.

With less than a minute to play, Joe Smith tips in a Delonte West miss to cut Boston’s lead to one – 83-82.

With the Cavaliers out of timeouts and 12 seconds remaining, Splasha Pavlovic rebounds a Paul Pierce three-point attempt that would have iced the win and feeds ahead to TheBron – who throttles down for a brief second before blowing past an unsuspecting Rajon Rondo and finger rolls in the game-winner.

The young King is mobbed by his mates as the Cavaliers take home the dramatic 84-83 win in a bare-knuckled brawl Bostonians haven’t seen since the Battle of Bunker Hill.

The Cavaliers have a quick bite, jaw-jack with the local bottom-feeding media and get the halogen out of Beantown before Will Hunting and his gang of Southies threaten to give us all a knuckle sandwich or ask if we like apples.

Boston might have thought that they’d smack us around with a phone book like they did to Atlanta in four games at the Garden. But the Cavaliers don’t swing that way, baby. They’re going to have to pry the Eastern Conference Championship trophy from our cold, dead hands.

I don’t see that happening. And I do this for a living.

That’s all for today, y’all. The Cavaliers and I roll back into Cleveland this weekend. Between now and then, in-between bites of your deliciously discounted Papa John's pizza, I hope it’s not too much to ask for you to …

Choose faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist

COME ON, CAVS! ©1975

please play loudly