Que pasa, Cavalitos. My name is the Optimist, and I’m checking in from Game One, Round Two – Boston, Massachusetts. Now, let’s cut the crap.
I don’t like the Celtics. And they don’t like me. It’s no secret.
Maybe it goes back to 1976, when JoJo White knocked the Miracle of Richfield team out of the playoffs. Maybe it goes back to 1985, during my formative years, when Larry Bird’s squad ruined World B. Free, Edgar Jones and Dinner Bell Mel’s epic run. Or maybe it was in 2005, in an exhibition in Columbus, when Paul Pierce loogied in the general direction of little Luke Jackson.
Boston’s baseball team beats our baseball team and now they have Manny being Manny. (We used to have that.) And by July, ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons will be kvetching that the Sox are cursed because they haven’t won the World Series since October.
Their football coach hates our guts.
Yeah, I think it’s fair to say that Boston and I don’t get along. But if the Cavaliers’ First Round series against the pesky Washington Wizards taught me anything, it was to divorce myself emotionally from petty grudges and focus on the task of cracking skulls.
It won’t be easy. These Boston Celtics are good. Wicked good.
They had the NBA’s best record with 66 wins, led by the NBA’s most publicized trio. They led the league in almost every defensive category and boast the league’s current Defensive Player of the Year, Kevin Garnett. Aside from Boston’s Big Three, they’re loaded with solid veterans and young guns like Big Baby.
Sweeping them will be no walk in the park.
That’s why we focus on one day, one victory at a time – like Coach Brown told us to. The rubber hits the road on Tuesday night at the TD Banknorth Garden. And the Cavaliers will be All-Business when the curtain goes up at 8.
Allow me to guide you through the Wine and Gold’s Game 1 win, mathematically, using TheBron Angry-Meter, which has been expanded to cover the young King’s newfound range …
TheBron starts out at about a 1.2 – hugs and handshakes for K.G., Jesus Shuttlesworth and even Paul Pierce. No. 23 is glad to be done with DeShawn Stevenson and the Wizards’ nincompoopery and girds up for a good one.
That doesn’t mean that the Celtics play nice once the ball goes up. TheBron leads the Cavaliers at half, but only with 12, as both teams grind through a brutal first half. Boston leads by four, which automatically bumps him up to 4.6.
Rajon Rondo drills a pair of three-balls to push the Celtics’ lead to a dozen and Paul Pierce’s dunk-and-1 makes it 15 near the end of the third. Despite a pair of back-to-back buckets by Boobie, the Cavaliers still cannot manage any mojo. During a single timeout, TheBron goes from a 6.9 to an 8.1.
The squad gets the message and Cleveland starts the final period with a 7-0 run. Devin Brown’s three-pointer with 3:33 cuts Boston’s lead to five and the Chosen One’s dramatic dunk with just under two minutes to play get them within one, 83-82. Andy wants to man-hug him, but can see that TheBron’s pulsating at a 9.4. He opts instead for a docile and much more huggable Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
On what amounts to be the Celtics final possession, Kevin Garnett is swatted by the Large Lithuanian, who outlets to Delonte West who feeds ahead to TheBron, who splits two Boston defenders and throws down – with great vengeance and furrrrious anger – the game-winning jam. He does so at a full-blown 9.9, setting off seismographs from Providence to Cape Cod.
FEAR THE BEARD!
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Boobie Gibson steals the in-bounds pass and cans two free throws to give our beloved Cavaliers the huge 88-84 win that shocks everyone except you, me and them.
Here endeth the lesson for today, knuckaheads. Sorry if I was All-Business today. But when we play the Celtics, I’m wound tighter than a gnat’s chuff. I would have loved to have paused for a moment of silence for Eight Belles – who paid off at $10.60 to place at the Kentucky Derby – but we just didn’t have time.
My apologies to the poor filly and, of course, her jockey, who they normally also put down as a precautionary measure.
I hope you’ve got those Playoff Beards™ going, my furry little friends. It’s the Second Round, and summer is right around the corner. It itches. It itches real good.
Let the games begin, y’all! If your loins were set on “STUN” before, better move them up to “KILL” for Round Two. I want to see the passion! I want to see the pathos!!
But what I really want from you folks back home is to …
Keep the faith, Cleveland
Your pal,
The Optimist
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