THE FOURTH ANNUAL OPTIMIST AWARDS BANQUET

First Annual | Second Annual | Third Annual Awards Banquet

Good afternoon, Cavalier fans. And welcome to the 4th Annual Optimist Awards Banquet. I’ll be your host – The Optimist.

Please excuse the construction and remodeling. We’re building a new website here, but it shouldn’t affect the proceedings. Cavs.com’s Website Manager and former dental student, Jeff Lillibridge, hired mostly Teamsters to put it up, so they’ll be napping during this afternoon’s festivities.

The Cavaliers just completed their second-straight 50-win season and smote their last four opponents in convincing fashion to lock up the No. 2 seed. In a rematch of last year’s six-game thriller, Cleveland will face the Washington Wizards for Game 1 of the four-game sweep beginning on Sunday afternoon at The Q.

While the Wine and Gold gird up for battle, we like to hold our annual luncheon – a low-key, though star-studded, affair to say Mazel Tov! to the many players that make the NBA fannntastic. I don’t feel that I need to remind you folks, but as always, please no gang colors.

Now let’s hand out some hardware …

For an unprecedented fourth straight season, the All-Optimist First Team is stacked with Cleveland Cavaliers. League personnel have cried “Foul!” and claim the results are as rigged as the fabled “frozen envelope” in the Patrick Ewing Lottery. But the fact is that I’ve done the Math and I’ve seen the Science, and it always comes up Wine and Gold.

Notable omissions from this year’s squad include Desmond Mason, Jermaine O’Neal, Didier Illunga-Mbenga, Yakhouba Diawara, Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Ron Artest, Zarko Cabarkaba, Zaza Pachulia, Slava Medvedenko, Elton Brand, Boniface Ndong, Bostjan Nachbizzy, the AK-47, Andre Miller, Ansu Sesay and Jorge Garbajosa – who smokes at least a pack of cigarettes before every game. That alone should tell you how tight the balloting is.

The 2006-07 All-Nemesis Team features some familiar faces, including Paul Pierce and former winner of the prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award – Carlos Boozer. As, I’ve said before, I have nothing personal against these players; they just make life miserable for the Wine and Gold. Notable omissions from this year’s squad include Mateen Cleaves, Jamaal Crawford, Kobe Bryant, Dikembe Mutombo and, of course, Rick Davis – who I have since made peace with in my heart.

For the fourth straight year, the Edgar Jones 7th Man Award was easily the most difficult decision. This award – named after the legendary toothless forward – goes to the player who fires up the Quicken Loans crowd and simultaneously contributes to the Cavaliers’ cause. Notable omissions include Daniel Gibson, Ira Newble, Shannon Brown, David Wesley and, of course, little Scot Pollard -- simply because of minutes-played.

Notable omissions include Ted Ginn, Jr., Jay-Z, Charlie Frye, Grady Sizemore, Troy Smith, Kid Rock, Jimmy Kimmel, Braylon Edwards, Victor Martinez and Oscar Robertson. But it boils down to one question: Five or ten years from now, who will you remember seeing in person at Quicken Loans Arena?

Professionally speaking, Professor Chewy is the only man I answer to, editorially. He is Quality Control here at cavs.com – and he is a self-confessed Bald. But to paraphrase the great James Brown: “Say it loud – he’s bald and he’s proud.” He has been compiling the list for years and only in 2006-07 did a Cavalier – Drew Gooden – make the list. The rules are No Rugs, No Plugs and No Drugs. Notable omissions include Ed Harris, Hector Elizondo, Len Komoroski, Lou Gossett, Jr., Jeff Phelphs, Fred Biletnikoff, Stanley Tucci and Ghandi.

It’s hard to believe that such a bounty could flow from just 40 miles away from Cleveland, but Akron is truly the cradle of greatness. This season, Akron Beacon-Journal beat reporter, Brian Windhorst – a guy who beats Joe Gabriele’s brains in – shot to No. 3 with a bullet. Notable omissions include Antonio Pittman, Jim Jarmusch, Hugh Downs, Zippy the mascot, the Quaker Oats guy and rubber.